That was Short

Last night, we played and she gave me a "release" (her words :)). Now, for someone desperately desiring chastity, having her give me a "release" only the third time we engaged in sexual relations would seem like a disappointment, but it was not.

Why? Well, because when we discussed chastity, it was not "put me in chastity for a month." It was "you get 100% complete control over all of my orgasms. I cannot have an orgasm without your permission. When and if I ever have an orgasm is completely up to you."

And that is what made the other night completely fine in my book. In explaining why she was giving me a release, she mentioned two things: first, she thoroughly enjoys giving me orgasms and that she's not going deprive herself of that pleasure; and 2) she could tell I was really really amped up.

Now, she was correct about the "amped" up part. While we had only really been doing this for a week, I had actually not had an orgasm for about a week and a half before that discussion. I had made a decision on my own to not masturbate anymore, only having orgasms when we engaged together, so there had been a period of time without any release on my part before she agreed. Once she agreed, of course I didn't have any releases. So, with the excitement of her agreeing to do this together and engaging in sexual relations without a release really had me going.

As for the night, it was great. Immediately upon getting into bed we went at it. I spent a long time on foreplay and then got her off on a rather intense orgasm. As soon as she was done, I scooted back up to her, hugged her and kissed her passionately and stated that I loved doing that for her and that I derived more pleasure doing that for her than having my own orgasms.

It was then that we talked a bit more and that was when she stated that despite that information, she would still be giving me releases because she liked doing that to me too much to not do it. Obviously, given my position, I can fully understand her feelings.

Which brought up the last issue that I wanted hammer home with her. I emphasized that she was in charge and so she could do whatever she wanted. She did not have to sit there and try to figure out how long I wanted to be chastity or whatever. She did not have to feel pressure to "release" me when she was not in the mood. If she was in the mood to release me at any time, way, shape or form, it was up to her. I believe she understands that and it will be interesting to see how it is implemented in the future.

I'm also very curious to see if she ever considers the situation over. Much like At All Times' situation with Jane, my wife is not one to ever really discuss these things on her own. She does not bring them up. I'm left to either bring them up or sit and wonder. I have lots of thoughts in my head that I want to tell her, but feel that I need to hold back for fear of pestering her, making it all about the sex etc. I do wonder whether she fully grasps the amount of control she does have and effect on it has on me.

Again, it is a slow process and I realize that everything has its time and place.

Things are going nicely

And slowly, but in a good way.

Since that night, there has been more intimacy, even just sitting on the couch together, instead of doing different things.

Monday night, I was unbelievably horny, but knew she was tired and not in the mood. In bed, I was pressed so close to her, just to be able to feel that contact. Nothing happened, but I definitely spooned her and kept touching her throughout the night. At one point, she told me to scoot away.

It was funny because out of the blue on Tuesday she sent an email saying that she knew what I was doing on Monday night and to stop it! She meant it in a playful, funny way and it was much appreciated.

This hasn't turned into a 24/7 tease and denial session and, of course, I never expected it to. We are still gradually engaging in this and it will be interesting to see where it goes.

From my perspective, it is going great though!

It's Done

This is going to be a long post, so bear with me.

In my last post, I stated that I was planning on bringing her a rose and thanking her for Sunday night. Based on conversations we had later in the afternoon while I was still at work, bringing the rose was not going to be a good plan. I scrapped that idea.

Instead, on Monday night, I briefly and casually mentioned to her that I enjoyed Sunday night and left it that. She smiled and said she enjoyed it too. That was the end of the conversation. I wondered whether she truly understood that it was the full package of Sunday, as opposed to just and idea that we were intimate. There is a subtle difference in possible perception of Sunday night. On the one hand, I believe that almost all women in the world would like a night that occurred on Sunday. So, obviously, when she says she enjoyed it too, do I truly understand why she enjoyed it? Did she enjoy it because she was tired, got a massage, and had a great orgasm? Did she enjoy it because in addition to that, she did not have to reciprocate? Did she enjoy it because she actually got off on the idea of not doing anything sexual to me? Did she enjoy it because she knew I enjoyed it? Did she not really understand why I would like to have a night like that with her, thought it odd, but regardless, humored me because the result is long, sensual, relaxing, massage and then a great orgasm?

Communication is a funny thing. A simple comment between us wherein we both express happiness, but have we really communicated our feelings, desires, thoughts?

I was thinking all of these things on a deeper level, but on the surface, I did know that Sunday night touches and fulfills a deep need for me, and that she does enjoy that type of night too.

To put it bluntly, those are good things. I knew it was another slow step towards building a more intimate relationship between us. And that's the ultimate goal. I love this woman. In addition to that, I have these submissive tendencies in her presence, I have these kinks, and I have a desire to be more intimate with her. The term "intimate" does not mean sex. To me, it means more communication, more physical contact (regardless of sex), more playfulness and more quality time spent together.

"At all Times" suggested in my previous post that it might not be a good idea to bust out with a formal request for chastity after Sunday night. That was good advice, especially because the timing and situation was not right on Monday night. Showing her more and more about how and why Sunday night was great was a better idea.

But Tuesday brought forth an opportunity for me out of the blue. We had been emailing with each other throughout the day about day to day stuff. Then she emailed that a friend took our kids for a playdate, so she was excited to have free time to complete a bunch of errands and also get her nails done.

I responded that I was happy for her, especially getting to be able to run the errands without the kids. I also responded, though, "You don't have to get your nails done. You know that I love doing that for you. I understand the desire to be able to sit and have your nails done without the kids, so if that's what you want that's great. But I'd love to do them for you tonight."

Her response was "ok., maybe I won't get them done and have you do them tonight :)" I responded with "yea!!! That would make me very happy and I hope would make you very happy too."

Throughout the day, I never got confirmation one way or the other as to what happened. I did find out close to leaving work that we were going to be having a bunch of kids sleeping over, so I figured the nails wouldn't occur.

When I arrived home, there was a house full of kids (chaos - but good chaos - love those kids), and she was actually making dinner. As we talked, I noticed that her nails were done. They looked great on her. I didn't say anything. The kids had already eaten, so we sat down and had a nice meal together talking about everything. Near the end, I mentioned her nails and she told about this new place a friend had recommended that she wanted to try, it was with a different type of procedure and she was happy with them. I complimented her on nice they looked. She did mention, however, that she didn't get her toes done. She didn't mention whether she wanted me to do them, so it was just left hanging.

Fast forward a lot time and finally the kids were in beds and we were in our room watching tv. It was funny, because I still didn't really know whether she wanted me to do her toes. As we were sitting on the top of the covers, she took of her socks and sat there for a bit. I was about to offer to do her nails, but instead, she simply handed me a bottle of polish!

If you're reading my blog, then you'll understand - her simply taking off her socks and handing me the polish was phenomenal. I was immediately excited by her simple, silent, demand. It wasn't a demand, though. She didn't have to "order" me to do her nails. At the time she handed the polish to me, my heart leapt a bit, because it gave me the hope that maybe, just maybe, she was beginning to understand not only me, but also herself.

I talked about subtle differences before and it applies here. In my particular situation with her, prior attempts at discussing Femdom, being submissive, or BDSM or whatever, always led her have the repugnant vision of her being leather clad, wearing 6 inch thigh high boot, whip wielding, and calling me a worm. Not only is that not what I wanted, but also very clearly not what she ever wanted. Still, whenever the discussions began, that was her baseline, even if that's not what I was attempting to convey. Over the last year, I've made the concerted effort to convey that's not the situation.

So, the subtle difference her was, in our most recent discussions, and my most recent offer to do her nails, it led me to believe she understood it to be exactly what it represented. She could "demand" for me to do her nails, but she didn't have to do it as a leather clad Femdom. She could simply say, "I'd like my nails done tonight" and know that when this occurred, it would also make me very happy.

I spent the next 30 minutes or so, giving her feet the full procedure. Buffing the feet, applying the lotion on the feet, clipping the nails, and painting and polishing the feet. All the while we (well, mainly her) watched tv and talking to each other. Sublime.

Once finished, I cleaned everything up and got back in bed. Another 10 minutes or so went by. I was perfectly content and happy.

But then, she did something I never expected and still can't believe. And even as I think about it the day after, I still get excited and can't believe.

We were under the covers and she started to gently rub my thigh. Gradually she reached my groin and spent about 10 minutes lightly caressing, scratching and stroking me through my underwear. She never made any effort to do anything more. It was definitely light enough that it wouldn't ever bring me off, but highly enjoyable and maddening enough for me. I was literally panting and squirming. I cannot explain how phenomenal the feeling was or the thoughts that were flying through me head. I was almost thinking that she had somehow found this blog, or at least another WLM blog, or chastity blog or something because whether she knew it or not, she was making me insane.

Eventually she stopped and rolled on top of me and we kissed aggressively and passionately. I was fit to burst with her leisurely grinding on me. I could not take it any more. Sunday night, our conversations, the nails, what she was doing etc., I just could not hold back.

I began telling her how much I loved her, how much I enjoyed doing that for her on Sunday, how grateful I was that she let me do her nails and just watched in joy as she had a huge grin on her face. She enjoyed all of it too and I finally just took the plunge. I asked her if I could request something and, honestly, I think she knew. As weird as that sounds, I think she knew I was going to ask for "chastity." I explained how much we enjoyed doing it previously (albeit on a temporary basis), asked if she enjoyed it as much as I did, and asked her to have us engage in her complete control over all of my orgasms. That I could not masturbate anymore, that I could only have an orgasm whenever she said it was o.k. and that, of course, she could have as many orgasms as she wanted, whenever.

And she not only agreed, but was excited. Like this wasn't a weird request. Like she genuinely wanted to do it - for her and for us - not saying "yes" to the idea just because she wanted to placate me.

After we discussed it more and we talked about how she could have all of the orgasms she wanted, she said "so you've to work to do," and gently pushed me down. And when she was done, we spent time embracing and said it was time to sleep.

Can't even explain how happy I am right now. Best Christmas ever. I can't believe it.

I've refrained from drowning her lengthy discussions about it today. Last night, I told her how perfect it was and I absolutely don't want to suffocate her. I do not want her to think that now I'll be pestering her 24/7 about chastity or a WLM. I never even mentioned a device.

I have so many things I want to ask, want to do etc., but I have to thank all of the other blogs out there on these subjects, especially At all Times for not only their direct advice to me, but also the wisdom imparted in their own blogs. Without that information, I'm sure I would have screwed this up a long long time ago.

Follow Up

It was a very long weekend, but in a good way. Lots of time spent with friends and family in festive settings, having a blast. We got home late both nights and were exhausted, so there was no playing, but we had been flirting with each other both nights.

Sunday night was no different with another party. We arrived home early, though, and were in bed by 9:00, with us both reading the Sunday paper. I was horny (as usual), but also knew how tired she was and that she really wanted to relax a little, read the paper, and go to bed.

Undaunted, but with a plan, I began touching her, lightly giving her kisses and received the response that I was expecting: she said "Really? I'm just so tired."

"Don't worry, you'll enjoy it, and you won't have to do anything." She looked at me, smirked, giving me the go-ahead, but I could tell she was still a little reluctant.

I manuevered her to be lying on her back and spent a long time just kissing and caressing her. Little nibbles on the neck. Gentle stroking of her face and eventually moving to her breasts. Long time spent on her stomach and breasts, all the while keeping her clothes on (it's cold out there!). She was thoroughly enjoying the attention and completely relaxing, allowing me to do everything.

Moving to my next plan, I removed her shirt, pants and underwear and then made her lie down face first. Clearly confused, she remarked "what are you doing now?" "You'll see," I said.

Once she was on her stomach, I began to give her a massage on her shoulders and back. She definitely enjoyed that for the 15 minutes I did on her shoulders, arms, and back. I then spent about 10 minutes massages her legs and caressing her legs and back.

I had accomplished everything I had hoped by that point - she was very relaxed, happy and aroused. Turning her back over, I then gently and slowly brought her to a strong orgasm with my mouth and hands. It wasn't fast and hard - more like a long, slow build up right till the end.

It took her some time to recover and I tried to start again, but was denied. She noted that she was still buzzing and completely content. We hugged and kissed more and after a couple of minutes, she reached for me and gently stroked.

We are not engaged in any time of chastity or orgasm denial. So, I assume she would have just continued. But, that wasn't the point. The point (for me) was that prior to starting all this, I had told her she didn't have to do anything. More importantly, I wanted again to show her a) that I thoroughly enjoyed doing this for her without any need for immediate reciprocation; and b) that this denial is enjoyable.

So I stopped her, explaining that wasn't necessary. I helped dress her again and had her lay her head on my chest, drapped around me and let her fall asleep.

Honestly - that night is the type of love making I enjoy, even more so than just kissing her for a bit, whiping the clothes off and plunging into her and being done in 5 minutes.

So, now, the next step. I am going to bring roses to her tonight, with a note, thanking her for last night. Depending on how the conversation goes after giving her the flowers, I may broach the subject of full time chastity. She'll have the kids all day today, so I never know what type of day it will be for her. She may be completely frazzled, but we'll see.

Gonna make it difficult to wait till the end of the day.

Stress

I am finding that the more and more I get stressed at work, the more and more I am obsessing about approaching her with the request for full blown chastity, with a device. Not sure if it is directly related to the stress, or just a normal ebb and flow of my desires.

It also has led to me wonder I am have not yet approached her with the formal request. I'm not afraid of what she'll think of me. She is acutely aware that I'm very kinky. This will not come as a shock to her. Sarah Jameson's blog (www.malechastityblog.com), and others, have mentioned the unsuspecting vanilla wife being overwhelmed, shocked and appalled by the bomb being dropped on her out of the blue. As anyone who has read the majority of my own blog, that will not be the case for her.

In fact, for the last year, I have made it a point to slowly introduce things to her to make the more and more the norm than the "weird" thing. If a woman has never had a man eat her creampie before, the first time it occurs can be a huge range of emotions and thoughts. Shock, turned-on, feeling dirty, etc. But, if that same woman has a man who did it the first time, then did it every time from that point forward, that woman would feel the creampie eating was normal after a while.

I think I've succeeded in my introduction of various things with her that if I requested one day that we engage in permanent chastity, should would not be shocked, appalled or overwhelmed.

So why the delay? Probably boils down to the fact that I believe I have only one chance, one shot, to broach the subject to her and get a yes. And what I mean by that is a "yes" with an actual, conscious effort on her part to engage in the chastity together. Just putting on a device, with no change in her behavior at all would not be rewarding for either of us.

So I've been trying to figure out the right way to approach her, when to approach her, how much to tell her, what details to say, etc. But, as I said before, the more and more stressed I am getting at work (all time high), the more and more I'm wanting to just blurt it all out as we are sitting watching Glee or something. It's been maddening.

And with holidays, it seems like every day/night there is something new. My office party, her holiday get together she does with her friends every year, friends visiting, friends Holiday party, house issues, kids sports........ Just never ending.

I laugh, sometimes think that I'll just walk up to her at one of our parties, hand her a little key and whisper "honey, I've locked my penis into a metal chastity device and am giving you this key. I hope you will enjoy controlling all of my orgasms and don't worry, I will satisfy you sexually in all ways you deem proper during this time" and be done with it. Yea, I know, I'll never do that, because it wouldn't work, but still.

And now, back to work.

Daily Viewing

I can't go a more than a couple of days without being tempted to view this tumblr:

http://yourbootblack.tumblr.com/

It's phenomenal.

And of course, here's a great photo from there:



I doubt I really need to point out why this photo is so alluring to me - books/panties/key. Wow

Photo

Does anyone know why I posted this one?



You might have to click on the photo to figure out why

Topping from the Bottom

In my "Effort" post a while back, I expressed the frustration with her seeming lack of desire to put forth any effort to "take matters into her own hand" so to speak, despite expressing enjoyment of the various WLM activities we engaged in. She definitely enjoyed the pedicures, service, etc., and enjoyed the tease & denial when in the moment.

That's not to say that she is actually telling me one thing, but feeling another. I know her well enough to know that if she did not enjoy them in the first place, she would not do them at all.

What's really happening is that she does not think about kink, or sex, or even WLM type things. So, even if she were interested in sex, she would never just put on simple lingerie and say "let's go" or anything like that. She claims that she just "doesn't think that way."

Part of that is she's never been like that. Ever. Now, the issue is compounded by the fact that we have kids and we both have stressful careers. For me, though, when I need to de-stress, I read other WLM/FLR blogs, think about fun things to do with her, think of ways to make her happy, etc. On a day to day basis, this is not something that she does. She's running around, juggling a lot of balls in the air, and then by the time I get home, just wants to get away and forget about everything. (For those of you old enough to remember, think of the "Calgon, take me away" commercials. Or even those Toyota commercials where the mom stays in the mini van.)

I read a post in another blog regarding WLM in which the wife seemed similar to mine by her inability and/or lack of desire to come up with rules or things that the sub needed to do for her. Instead, her decision was to require HIM to come up with the list, present it to her at the beginning of the week, and then subject to her changes and approval, it was up to him to complete the tasks.

I know that should I succeed in further developing this lifestyle, it is that type of action that will be necessary. And I'd be perfectly happy with that.

Best Photo Ever

The following photo has been taken from http://yourbootblack.tumblr.com/. That tumblr is simply perfect in my eyes. The images collected and shared are directly in my wheel house.

One recently posted is actually .gif. Not sure if I know how to post a .gif, so if clicking on the photo does not open it in a new window in which the picture is moving, then head over to http://yourbootblack.tumblr.com/tagged/tease and scroll down till you find it.

Just seeing this got me thinking. I feel like if you show this to someone who's never engaged in chastity, female domination or bdsm etc., their initial reaction would go a long way to immediately determining whether they will ever be interested in that lifestyle. Much of our sexual turn-on's are not controllable. You see an image; you read a story; you have a stimulating discussion; you engage in some sexual activity - your reaction is not necessarily controllable. You see or do it and it turns you on. Or not.

I assume a woman, seeing this gif, would have the reaction of "ohhhhh, that looks delicious" or "ewe, gross." Of course, there are always shades of grey, but I still think that the actual photo - being tied up, the use of chastity device, and the gentle swinging of the key with the him following the gentle swing of the key - the is either something attractive or disturbing to the viewer.

So true!

It's sad, but true.

Good News, I guess!

We were talking recently, just in general, what we liked about sex. It wasn't a "tell me your deep dark secrets" kind of thing. It was things like "I like being on top more than missionary", "do you like doggie style more than on top" etc.

She stated that her favorite position is her on top (Cowgirl), with me using my fingers or some vibrating mechanism. The combination of penetration and clitorial stimulation really brings it all together for her. That position also hits her g-spot as much as it can straight intercourse, so that helps too. And, she really enjoys that she can go at whatever pace she wants.

And that's the good news, of course! One reason I don't believe I'll ever be able to convince her on extended periods of chastity, though, is because there is no way that when we are in that position that I can hold out before she's done. Just never going to happen. That's why I'm really considering buying one of those penis sheaths (also called extenders), or something to cover me up so that I don't feel it to make me last longer.

Pics

No updates, but some great pix.

I have to give credit where I found them. If you get the chance, check out It's great.

Of course, I didn't re-blog them all, just ones that I found particularly interesting.

This first one is a no-brainer for me. What I wouldn't give for my wife to order me into this. I have to admit that the photo is probably a classic male centered view of domination (the garter belt with stockings and blouse), but still. For me, reading the book, enjoying the champagne and the position do it all for me.



I love this one for the pure torture. I'm sure it's still pleasurable for him, but clearly not what he wants. In my mind, she doesn't even let him finish off, even with the fleshlight.



Along the same lines of the first one, this photo captures the pure fun she's having with him. She doesn't want to be bothered, she wants to read her book, but she also wants to make sure that he's teased and denied. There's no way she can stroke consistently enough, long enough, or hard enough while reading the book because she's too engrossed in the book. So he'll just have to suffer, standing there hard for however long she wants.



These next ones are not from dishevelleddomina. I don't remember where I got them, so if they are yours and wish for me to take them down, please let me know. Regardless, can you imagine walking around the corner and finding her? She's confident, intelligent (obviously - she's reading books in the library!), she has fashion sense, she's proud of who she is, and she does not care what others think about her. She's a real woman. Wow.



Again, this woman is in charge. She wants the kiss. She is doing this all for her pleasure and she wants his cock. She'll do whatever she wants and he'll do whatever she wants.

The Slow Dance

There was no full blown discussion about the "why" she did what she did the last time. But we did discuss sex in general. As you will recall, the last event occurred with me pleasing her orally and with hands. The time before that was the same.

While she loves that.......she emphatically expressed that she needs direct intercourse. She's not that big on toys, much preferring me instead of a dildo or vibrator. So, even if were able to engage in full blown chastity, I'm sure it couldn't be a long term chastity, unless there were simply no sexual encounters.

The problem (for me), is that there is an inverse relationship between the number of orgasms I have and the length of time I can hold out during sex. More and frequent orgasms = much longer staying power. Longer chastity = going off very quickly.

It's the "longer chastity = going off very quickly" that is the problem in intercourse. If she's needing/wanting a good session that way, if I've been in chastity, I simply will not last long enough to satisfy her.

And the reason I'm concerned about this is, well, if I ever hope to sell her on the idea of chastity, I want her to be happy and fulfilled too. This presents as stumbling block.

Now, there are definite ways to deal with the issue, so it's not a complete bar. The easiest solution is actually something that I would be completely happy with: it's all her decision. Chastity would be all up to her anyway - meaning she would have authority to determine how long it would last. One week? Two? 6 months? Whatever she wanted. Some might consider my willingness to allow her to decide not a risk at all because I know that she would never pick 6 months. She would not want to go without intercourse for 6 months.

And, of course, I'm getting wayyyyyyyyy ahead of myself because we're not even there yet!

A month between updates is too long!

I could start the post with all of the banal "I'm busy, work, life, kids", yadda, yadda, yadda, but that's not necessary.

I know that my wife will never ever embrace a full WLM, with domestic discipline, much more kinkiness, gender play, strap-on play etc. For all submissive men, or in general BDSM players, that is what you want. I'm sure there will be many who claim that if it were a "real WLM", then you'd not want any of those things, and instead only want whatever she wanted. I'm sure there are people who are like that. All I can say is that for me, that would never work.

Does that mean I "require" all of those things to be happy? Hell no. Does it mean if she never adopts any of that, I'll never be happy? Nope. I'm very happy in my marriage. I am always looking to improve my life in all aspects. Marriage, relationships, work, kids - I never stop trying to improve situation and myself.

And I have been slowly successful in certain aspects. On the WLM front, it's becoming more and more normal for her to be more assertive. These aren't of the immediate erection inducing comments, but more of a comfortable, normal interaction between us.

Here are some examples:
On Saturday, I did a lot of yard work (hard stuff [not detailed to protect identities!], not just raking leaves type stuff) and was still working at when she got home. After I was done with that, I was upstairs taking a shower and we were talking about all the things we still had to do for the day (i.e., take one kid here, take another kid there etc). Her comment to me was: "And you have to figure out what you're making for dinner, because I'm certainly not cooking." I'm sure I don't have to explain why this comment is so perfect.

We still have never had any type of formal conversation about adopting a WLM. I've never given any of the WLM type books out there (though I've read some.) We most certainly haven't discussed "submissiveness" or played any of the "games" I introduced before in a long long time. Yet, I think that because of my casual introduction of these concepts to her, over the long haul, she's just becoming more comfortable and understanding of what works. It's not as if she consciously thought "I'm going to make a comment in this manner because I want to titillate him." No, instead she knows I like those comments/actions, encouraged her to continue that, and she has just adopted it more and more.

Don't get me wrong; I personally believe that we can take all of this much much further. But I am very happy that it is moving along, albeit slowly.

I am still moving forward with actually adopting a formal male chastity lifestyle though. In general, whenever we make love, if I have brought her off by oral or something other than intercourse, she always reciprocates. For a long time, I've made comments to her, before she starts, like "you know, you don't have to do that if you don't want" or something to that effect. She always wants to do it, and so we are all good.

A couple of nights ago, we were making love and after I worked her to several orgasms, she was reciprocating. We had a nice exchange, though I know she still doesn't fully understand the concept. She had made a comment, before starting, about making me happy. I used that opening to say to her that what would make me happier was if, instead of bringing to orgasm, she denied me. She was "game" for it, and teased me a lot, but I know she still didn't really understand why I'd want that, what it meant or anything like that. She also wasn't successful, because she brought me off in all the teasing!! I had tried to get her to stop, but she didn't stop quickly enough and I was too far gone.

She was into the idea, so that's all good. While it didn't really work, doesn't bother me in the least, because she's open to the idea, I believe. I don't know how open she'd be if I suggested we do it for a month, give her complete control or whatever.

The discussion we had that wasn't geared towards a temporary game, but it also wasn't a direct request to adopt it for the future. I know that if I push things, move things too quickly, or continually talk about these things with her, she shuts down. I let everything slide, though I did, that night, explain how much I liked the denial.

The real interesting thing happened a couple of days later. We were watching TV together on the couch. At a commercial, I got up and asked if she wanted anything. She said no, but she was looking good on the couch and so I went and kissed her. She responded well, so I continued and kept going. She was responding very well, so I pulled off her shorts and brought her to a great orgasm on my knees while she lay back on the couch. After number one, I sat on the couch and used my hands for #2 and #3.

Hugging and kissing her afterward, I said "that was so much fun" and "I love to do that with you." She was very appreciative and said so. She made no effort to reciprocate, but we snuggled for a long time. Eventually, I dressed her and we continued to watch TV. As we were sitting there, she let me caress her legs and feet for a while. She used one of her feet to play with my still extremely erect member. Nothing to bring me off, or even close, but more of a playful acknowledgement. After a while, she moved to put her head near my lap and snaked a hand into my shorts, and rested her hand near my balls. She casually stroked in the area, but again, nothing on the penis or any move to engage further.

That TV session was heaven!!! It was perfect. I loved every second of it. But, my question is, did she consciously do that - and I mean do everything? Did she not reciprocate because she knew I'd love it if she didn't? Did she allow me to caress her legs and feet afterward because she knew I'd love that and it would keep me going? Was the foot on my crotch very specific, or something that just presented itself at the time? Was the light caress specifically designed?

I don't know!!! I have to talk to her about it, because I think it can only be a win/win situation. If she was doing it all on purpose, with purpose and thought, then we are much closer to adopting the lifestyle. If she didn't do it all on purpose, then there is no harm in telling her how much I absolutely loved it. Either way, it's all looking good.

Effort

It's boring to continually state that there have been no new developments, but, well, there haven't. That has been, I guess, my fault, since I have made no effort to advance a WLM. Nor have I made any effort to instill any lesser form of WLM, like just introducing chastity instead of a full fledged WLM. I haven't offered to do any pedicures or other pampering type things.

Part of the reason is lack of interaction on her part. She has not requested, hinted, or suggested that any of these things continue. She had not shown any interest. I have been extremely busy at work, working very long hours, and we did recently spend weekends away - not by choice, but it's just how it worked out.

I also have not made any advances on her. Which means, in a way, I am in Chastity because nothing has happened for a long time. I made a personal decision that I would not have an orgasm unless it was specifically done by her, so I'm struggling along in a situation that, I think, is more frustrating than actual Chastity! It's more of a deny and ignore situation, than a tease and deny. There is no teasing going on!

I know this shall pass, but I'm not sure when, or how.

Great Video!

Sorry - still on the kick of women and books. She really knows her Ray Bradbury books!

http://www.funnyordie.com/videos/70bf2e4f05/fuck-me-ray-bradbury

(you'll have to cut and paste that to watch it.)

Portman

Can't resist re-blogging this!



Re-posted from http://bohemea.tumblr.com/post/959889595

Chickened Out!

Everything I've done to this point in terms of developing a WLM has been mostly as little "games" to spice things up. There have been some informal, and some more formal, ways in which it has been implemented, but there has never been any "honey, I want to discuss with you about adopting a WLM" and then going from there. I have never formally opened up with the idea to her on a permanent basis.

While I have not, from my side, approached her, she has also never approached me on any aspect. She has not spontaneously discussed any aspect of WLM, Femdom, or other kink. That's not to say that sometimes during sex, she hasn't done some stuff. She did spontaneously spank me playfully once and there are some other things, but we've never been sitting there, after the kids were in bed, started to discuss any of this on a more permanent basis.

I've come to believe that for it to ever work, it will have to be a very gradual thing - one that will take years, if at all. Meaning, I do not believe if I tried to sit down and explain everything I would want/desire in a WLM, and then do a "boot camp" suggestion like the Around Her Finger people suggest, or take any other steps to implement the WLM immediately, that it would not work. She would be overwhelmed by the sudden change, feel pressured, and would take to the idea kicking and screaming, instead of embracing the idea.

So, realizing that it would have to be a very long, gradual change, my thoughts were to implement only portions of things that would give her control. I figured I could formally introduce distinct things that give her control and let that process run its way through, have her enjoy it, get a feel for it, embrace it and hopefully desire more control in other areas.

I came to the conclusion that I would approach her with complete orgasm control - that she would control all of my orgasms. She could have as many as she wanted and she could allow me to have as many as she wanted. I could not masturbate or have any orgasms unless she specifically granted that permission.

A long time ago, I wrote up a short letter to her to introduce the concept and idea, inviting for more discussion. That letter has been revised many times, but regardless, I never felt the time was right to give it her. I finally gathered the courage to do it.

The plan was to leave it on top of the coffee maker on Friday, a place where I knew she would absolutely see it, because she gets her coffee every morning. As the time drew near, I kept going back and forth on whether I should put it there or not. Finally, I decided to do it. Extremely hesitant and nervous, I did place it on the coffee pot and started to leave. As I was walking towards the door, she was coming downstairs, all dressed in her workout clothes. She is usually asleep when I leave, so I was sorta surprised to see her. She looked a little stressed already.

I asked how her day would be, if she was going to be busy, etc., and she started listing off all of these things she had to do, and I could tell she had a lot on her plate. Walking with her into the kitchen, I surreptitiously pulled the letter off of the coffee pot before she could see what it was. I know she saw me pull paper off, but I also know she had no idea what it was. We kissed goodbye and I went to work. She never mentioned anything about the paper.

It was the right decision. All that letter would have done if she read it that day was to stress her out more. It would not have been received well. I worked all day feeling good about not giving it to her, but also a little bummed that it hadn't happened yet.

Then, Friday night happened. Friday night was great, confusing, interesting and unexpected. We had dinner with another couple, which was fun. I can't say she ended up drunk, but she was definitely feeling the effects of alcohol. I would assume that it played a part in this, but when we got to bed, she wanted to play and play we did. Me on top ended with us both being happy, with completion inside her. Laying next to her afterward, still kissing, I could tell she was still in the "on" mode. Usually, after one, she is willing to call it a night. It's almost like I have to convince her to go for round two. This night, however, was different. As I was caressing her, she was very receptive, giving me clear signals that she wanted more.

Her reaction stirred a reaction in me. The more I caressed and kissed, the more I was very interested in giving her more. The question was "how." As I've discussed below, I'm one of the ones who finds creampies extremely exciting, yet have a difficulty in doing them because immediately after orgasm, the desire immediately goes away. Well, this time, since we were continuing, she was responding, and I could feel how engorged and slick she was, the idea was getting more and more attractive.

It happened and it was phenomenal. I loved it. I know she loved it. But what I don't know if she understood what happened! I would assume she did, but she's never mentioned it. You would think that it was a foregone conclusion that she absolutely knew about, but with her, I'm not so sure. Maybe she just chooses to not think about it. I don't know.

She also made a comment that night that I didn't understand. I can't repeat it, but it was kink related comment that absolutely requires me to find out from her what she was trying to say. I don't know if she even knows what she was trying to say, but the simple fact that she brought it up was positive. Again, it's that slow moving train.

All I know is that I want to repeat that night, I need to find out what she meant by the comment, and I feel emboldened to give that letter. When it gets delivered, again, is still something I want to be careful with.

Lighten Up!

First off - no updates on anything - career, family, friends, finances, etc., have taken precedence. Now is not the time to try to further implement a more defined and acknowledged WLM. We have connected a lot recently, but when you finally approach her, you want to do it when you think it has the best chances of working. It's not always just what you say, it's when and how you say it too. That time will come.

The Federal Court just shot down Prop 8 in California. I'm sure everyone is actually aware of Prop 8, but essentially, California voted to define a marriage between a man and a woman, obviously, which would prevent homosexual couples from getting married.

I will not step into a legal, political, and religious landmine and attempt to discuss the issue. I find that instead of opening a discussion, it invites the extremes from both sides to rattle their sabres, completely shutting out any sense of resolving anything.

Instead, that ruling, along with the idea that there are so many people out there who are hesitant to even bring up their most intimate desires to people they love has me thinking that I just wish people would just lighten the hell up!!!!!! Honestly, there are so many repeated examples of people reacting negatively to the honest truth of someone else, it's sickening.

A person comes out as being homosexual and fears all of the negative reactions from family, friends and loved ones. A person comes out as being transgendered and it's almost worse than coming out as being homosexual. Even things that people who are naturally kinky would think are very "vanilla", such as asking your partner to tie you up, freaks some people out. Asking for role play. Tease & Denial. It just blows me away that people have so many hangups about anything related to sex.

I understand that people are different and that's actually good for the world. I understand that no matter how kinky you are, you have limits and things that will not interest you. A woman who loves being a FemDom may not like forced feminization for her man. A woman who loves male chastity may not enjoy FemDom. You get the point.

But, it just seems to me to that there are way too many people who's view is that anything other than "normal" sexual relations is considered deviant, distasteful and refuse to have an open mind to explore themselves, their partners and the world.

Open up. Be more understanding. Be more adventerous. Be less judgemental. It would make people happier, in my humble opinion. Go out there and try something new people!!! Keep an open mind about it, discuss it, enjoy it and if it fails, just chalk it up as a learning experience!

No updates

I would love to have made an update that said we were going forward, or heck, even backward, but unfortunately, there is nothing to report. A million things going on, and our relationship is still very strong, and we're very much still in love. So everything is great. Just nothing on the WLM front.

Now, if I can ever win that lottery - I would ensure that I could have this in my new house!!!

Wonderful photo shoot

Found this great set of a girl reading books. Love it!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/gabdar/sets/72157624292769100/

Be Careful What You Wish For

When discussing FLR, WLM, Femdom, Chastity, or any type of D/s, you'll find the warning "be careful what you wish for, you just might get it." Sarah at the Male Chastity Blog has posted about it, Vanessa Chaland mentioned it in a comment to the last post (though I took her comment in the vein she meant it - something lighthearted and playful), the "Being Her Knight" blog discusses it, and there are many many other examples out there.

The warning exists because there are so many men who enter this arena without thinking about the consequences. They generally want to get their rocks off and they're only thinking with that head. They want to play a game, have a little kink, and control the entire thing from the bottom, as it were.

The warning in my case will never apply and, even on a general scale, I don't think it actually ever applies. The warning presumes that the woman just might take the whole thing farther than the man ever intended or even wanted. The warning is unrealistic because the number of times in which the wife goes from a non-player to one who goes well beyond the limits of the man is extremely small.

From my observations of people, extreme changes in behavior and desires throughout life is very rare. I'm old enough to have known a lot of people for a long period of time. The core of these people haven't changed. Yes, they have grown, matured, and changed. But none have had extreme personality changes. My friend's wife hasn't gone from being milquetoast to a biker chick. She has becomes slightly less uptight, but she's still uptight. None of my wild friends have become suburban, stay at home moms.

True, people do and can change. But for the most part, their personality is their personality throughout their lives. And from what I've seen, sometimes the opposite actually occurs. The person who is cheap in his 30's only becomes more cheap as the years pass. The person who is risk averse becomes more and more risk averse as the person gets older.

Getting to sex, unless there is some drastic life changing event (like divorce - I have seen many divorced people drastically change their behavior), the person's sexual preference generally stays the same. If there is someone who is not kinky by 25, 30, or 40, they usually don't all of a sudden start getting seriously kinky. If the wife refuses to give her husband blowjobs in her 20's, she's not going to all of sudden start swallowing in her 40's. Again, I'm talking in generalities. There are always exceptions.

This is a long winded way of saying that if your wife is not into something that is traditionally "kinky", then while you may have luck in getting her to enjoy and adopt the lifestyle, the chances that her behavior is going to change so drastically that she's going to end up forcibly feminizing you against your will, putting you into chastity longer than you desire, cuckolding you, prohibiting you from seeing your friends, or spanking you much longer or harder than you ever wanted is about as good as winning the lottery.

The other aspect is that if she took the idea well beyond your own limits, well, that doesn't sound like a very good marriage to me either. I find it interesting that in so many of these WLM/FLR situations, it is the man who initiates the concept. I suspect that in the overwhelming majority of them, the wife rejects the idea. I have no quality evidence of this, and I'm not a Sociologist or anything, but it would appear to me that the number of success stories are lower than the number of "failures." Consider, though, what happens in those "failures." Presumably, the man will attempt to introduce the concept and the wife rejects the idea because it is a "limit" she does not want to, or is unwilling to, breach. Unless the relationship or marriage ends, the man respects the limit and they then hopefully continue on happily living their lives together.

In those "failures", the man respected her limits and moved on. But in this "Be Careful What You Wish For" warning, it presupposes that the woman is not respecting his limits. I personally do not want to be in a relationship in which anyone is pushing me past my limits after my objections.

Pushing the limits is the fine line. The saying is "you should do one thing a day that scares you." I agree. It's obviously not possible every day, but I try. I actively seek and desire from my wife is to push my limits. That hasn't happened, of course. But I would supremely happy to have her interact with me, understanding me, understanding us, understanding what to do with me and to me, pushing and testing the limits. I'd love for her to see that edge and take me there, push me slightly over, but knowing that in our relationship of love and trust, we can always pull back if pushed too far.

Earlier I mentioned I didn't want to be in a relationship in which that person pushed me past my limits when I didn't want them to. Which is why the warning won't apply to me. I know my wife and I know that even if she were to adopt a WLM, not only would she never come close to trying to push past my limits, but we would never do that to each other. I do and would respect any of her limits.

Even if she were to fully adopt a WLM, it would be done together - in our marriage and I know that neither of us would ever do anything against the other's ultimate wishes.

Anyone know where to get this?

For many people who are in Femdom relationships, the man is also in some sort of chastity or orgasm control. There are many where the woman still wants penetrative sex from the man, but does not want the man to orgasm etc.

I found this picture of what appears to be an interesting way to solve the problem. It looks like a thick dildo that goes over the cock and balls, almost like a cock-ring, but then the penis is encased inside the thick dildo. It looks to me that it allows the man to fuck the woman with the dildo, but not feel anything. All without the need/use of a strap-on.

Unfortunately, I did not find this on any toy store. Has anyone seen this before? Do you know where to get it? Any reviews of it?

Slow Seduction

My goal of slowly introducing ideas and actions with her is going well. Of course, it's going slow.

Still, throughout the recent weeks, I've taken the opportunity to casually bring subjects up in a non threatening way. We've had brief discussions about them. It's not like sitting her down and verbally throwing up on her, claiming I want her to take control of everything, put me in a chastity device, sign a WLM contract etc.

About a week ago we had a discussion about spanking. I know she does not like to be spanked, but I admitted that she could spank me if she wanted. She did not seem interested in spanking me at all, but we were actually cleaning the backyard at the time we were having this discussion, so I think she was more focused on cleaning that picturing a spanking.

Anyway, last night she was feeling frisky and we engaging in a little fun and I brought up spanking again. Let's just say that after making her extremely happy, while performing on me, she began spanking me. Would she have spanked me had I not brought it up? Of course not. That she did spank, however, and then even commented that "if I spank you again will you do that for me again" are all steps in the right direction!

Women and Books

I love to read. My wife loves to read. She loves to read so much, though, that when she is actually reading, the last thing she wants is me bothering her. Which makes it even worse for me because when she's sitting there on the couch, or in bed, engrossed in a book, I want to jump her!!!! One time (I've written about it on this blog), she had me naked and tied to the bed post and then sat there reading for a long time. She didn't do it because she knew the effect on me - she did it because we were playing the Game (and I had to be tied up for a period of time) and she just wanted to read! Still, very nice for me.

Here are some great photos of women and books!

Friday Photos

Got these from http://eagerlicker.tumblr.com/

Love this first one. She's thoroughly enjoying it. She's looking down at him with approval - like he's doing a very good job. He's focused on her, keeping her legs up.



This one touches many of my favorites. I have a thing for books and libraries. Should I ever become incredibly rich, one thing I'd want is a huge study, lined with books. It may sound odd, but women getting naughty in a library really get me going. Being in a place with so much knowledge and so many different worlds to explore that she becomes horny - well, seriously, that's unbelievably sexy.

Now this picture just gets my imagination running wild. I imagine she's at home, with her husband in chastity. She knows how turned on he gets when she teases and how sexy she looks to him when she reads. So she's just sitting there, in her little corner, waiting for him to walk by and see her. The look on her face in the photo is the exact time in which she sees the look on his face when he first encounters this scene. Mmmmm, delicious.

Life Interrupts

These things are cyclical, but man, we've barely had time to see each other, let alone anything fun together recently. Hoping for some alone time this weekend.

Friday Photo

The shoe dangle is an underated move by women. Many women are clueless on the effect they have on men when they do it. Other women, however, are very very knowledgeable.

Besides the shoes dangle, I love the slight peek of the left breast and the panties, and the divine legs and smile. (Yet again, though, the decor is really odd. The chair? The fan?)

I was wrong, I think

In my "Formality" post I wrote: "Since the conclusion, however, I have made the gradual effort to introduce WLM to her, to no apparent, broad based success."

A couple of days after that post, we were eating dinner and, completely out of the blue, she just blurted out, "you know, I think I'm going to have your Dad paint my toe-nails tonight. I really need a new color."

While I initially thought my efforts to introduce WLM had fallen on deaf ears, I now believe that I was wrong. Why? Well, I believe that she would never have made that comment, or even have that specific desire, had I never given her pedicures in the past as part of our discussions of me being submissive. Of course, in her mind, she probably didn't think "I know that my husband wants me to be in charge. I have to come up with things that I can make him do. I think I'll have him do my toe-nails." No, instead, she probably just wanted a new color and thought I'll have him do them for me.

The more things that she identifies that she enjoys, and the more that she becomes more and more comfortable with asking for them to be done, and the more that I identify her needs and meet those needs, the closer we get to a WLM.

Now, for a variety of reasons, the pedicure did not happen last night. I could have, and have done in the past, sent an email to her about how happy I was that she asked that, telling her much it turned me on, and telling her that the other things she did over the weekend turned me on and were great Femdom things etc. I know that she doesn't respond particularly well to those types of emails. Instead, I simply told her that since we didn't the chance for the pedicure last night, that I would love to do it for her tonight and asked her what color she wanted. She responded with a color and a smiley face and that was the end of the exchange. Which is a great thing. She's not weirded out, but she knows I liked it, and she's looking forward to it tonight.

Friday Picture

I think everyone who reads my blog will look at this and smile.

Formality

I have had some people ask me if I have ever approached my wife with a formal request to adopt of WLM or FLR. I have not.

I introduced "The Game" in October, which was the first formal request for anything overtly Femdom or more hardcore kink. At the time it was introduced, it was not designed to surreptitiously introduce a WLM into the relationship. It was purely a kink/sex game. That Game was fun, for both of us, and I think it was an important first step.

As many know, introducing the vanilla wife to the kink before the other aspects of WLM is usually not recommended. I think the difference for me and our relationship was that she always knew of my kink, but not necessarily of the "submissive" streak. Sure, the kink included BDSM, but we've done both. There were many times in the past that I did many things to her (tied her up, blindfold, food, ice, toys, teasing etc.). In a way, the kink was not a surprise to her.

Now, the Game wasn't necessarily some part of a master plan to introduce a WLM to her. We hadn't engaged in any kink in a long time and I was inspired to create that Game.

Since the conclusion, however, I have made the gradual effort to introduce WLM to her, to no apparent, broad based success. I've confessed my submissive desires to her, we've engaged in my things that are considered WLM, and I've volunteered to, and done, many acts of service to her that is detailed in previous posts. She has enjoyed all of this, but yet has never made any effort to take it any further.

In fact, I firmly believe that if I never brought up my serving her, pampering her, or anything like that, she would never bring it up again. Same thing with the kink aspect. If I never brought out any toys, or cuffs, she would never do it on her own.

The question then has been - why have you not asked her specifically to adopt a WLM or trying a WLM "boot camp" or something.

The short answer to that question is: because I don't think she's at a point where she would be receptive to that suggestion. I have my doubts that she'll ever be ready or willing to engage in it, but regardless, I just think that her reaction right now would be one of the following:

a. To be weirded out by the formality, uncomfortable with it and afraid that it would require significant effort to create domestic and sexual scenarios, all of which she would not know what to do; or
b. To engage in it as another "game", but not really have her heart in it to adopt it as a lifestyle change.

This may be just too much analysis and trepidation on my part. I have struggled with how to properly and effectively communicate my thoughts to her so as to avoid those fears, but haven't figured it out yet.

Should I suggest the idea, and attempt to incorporate the idea, too soon, I fear it would ruin the idea for the foreseeable future.

So, that's the explanation as to why I haven't done it yet. I continue to contemplate how to approach her.

Personality

In addition to my own desire for a more WLM, part of the reason I believed this was something that she would embrace is that she already has a dominant personality. And, in many ways, we already had incorporated certain traditional WLM aspects without ever any overt acknowledgment.

Still, a recent discussion with her now has me wondering about the viability of the WLM, and it doesn't even have anything to do with sex!

In a nutshell, she likes/thrives on conflict. Now, conflict does not mean arguing, yelling, disagreements, or anything negative. The conflict I'm talking about is two strong personalities butting heads on an issue to come to the best possible solution. The discussions that occur, with both people bringing out the salient points is something that drives the intellect on her side (well, and mine too) and we have been successful in this interaction.

I have found that when I begin to agree with her all the time, or do what she says all of the time, she does not actually like it nearly as much and gets less lively. So now I'm sort of at a loss how to reconcile this with the future.

Another Pic

Love details in this picture by the photographer. Country kitchen, with the stark white of her lingerie. The pink heels are an interesting contrast. It draws the eyes directly to it, and then you notice the curve of her foot in those heels and how high they actually are.

The line on her calf is delicious.

She not stick thin - her leg is shapely and wonderfully sexy, especially how he's digging into her thigh a little.

I actually like that the faces are not in the photograph - so you're focusing more on the bodies than face.

Of course, he has a tremendous body too, just adding to the overall sexiness of the moment.



(P.S. - I should note that the last two photographs were taken from http://queentakesknight.tumblr.com/)

Hmmm

A little Friday fun.

I like pictures, but only when they tickle my fancy. This one? Well, who decides to include the vacuum in the background?

Normal part 2

Last night was a great night for us. Well, things didn't go well for her at work, and she was not happy, but it was out of her control. It wasn't anything she had done wrong, it's just that sometimes things don't work out. So, after a long time of stress at work all day, she was sitting on the love seat and I was sitting on the couch, discussing the day.

After we had a nice talk, she got up and came back with a snack to watch tv before going to bed. I knew she was trying to calm down after a long, difficult, stressful day, so I took the snack from her as she sat on the couch and I began to give her a massage, which she thoroughly enjoyed and needed. It ended with me on my knees, pleasuring her. There was no reciprocation. She was pleased, de-stressed and happy and we just went to bed.

Now, I'm positive that at the time it was occurring last night, she did not view it as anything "femdom", her being dominant, me being submissive, any type of WLM or anything kinky at all. She just viewed it as a husband being sensitive to his wife's needs.

To me, though, it served to fuel many of my submissive desires. On my knees. Even after I was done, and her pants were back on, I purposefully stayed on the floor, at her feet, while she sat on the couch, as we continued to talk. That she made no effort to reciprocate to me also fueled my submissive side. We both went to bed happy.

Today, acknowledging her difficult day yesterday, we texted many times. In one of the last ones, I told her I wanted to do something for her tonight, and that if she wanted anything in particular, to just ask me and I'll do it for her. She happily responded that she'd think of something.

We are no where near an acknowledged WLM. But a WLM is becoming more and more integrated into our relationship and she's embracing it as something normal and enjoyable. Her reaction to my text wasn't shock, embarrassment, surprise, disgust or fear. Instead of being apprehensive about what type of crazy sex game I was going to try to impose on her, or fear of unknown, or something, her reaction was one of immediate happiness. The more I keep doing things on my own (which I have) and the more I keep offering things, the more comfortable she is becoming with the idea of the relationship, even if it is not yet specifically acknowledged.

Now, what she comes up with tonight should be interesting. As much as I would love it, I know that I won't come home to her with a strap-on and a collar. I'm sure it will be something as simple as a massage, a bath or a pedicure or something like that. But I will love doing that for her more than the strap-on fantasy because I'll be doing it for her and it'll be what she wants. And as the days, months, and years go on, she may become more and more open to other things.

Normal

Normal is so non-descriptive that it is a useless term. Most people use the term "normal" to mean "the majority." The problem is that they then judge the people in the minority as being deviant. The faulty logic usually goes like this: the majority of people live in a household which is male dominated, so male dominated households are normal. If you live in a female dominated household, you are deviant, your thoughts and lifestyle are subject to ridicule and you're not as important or valuable as the "normal" people.

In fact, anyone who studies human sexuality realizes that the spectrum for sexual activities is so diverse that there is no such thing as "normal." Normal is defined as "conforming to the standard or the common type." Any type of non-vanilla sex may be considered deviant by the vanilla people, but all of this so-called deviant behavior is actually so prevalent and common, that it can only be considered "normal" in the true definition of that word.

Outwardly, the majority of the people present their vanilla selves to others, but then in the bedroom, they engage in the so-called deviant behavior. There are no shortages of surveys which reveal that Americans in particular are much more adventurous in bedroom than anyone actually realizes. While anonymous polls show that more than 50% have engaged in BDSM activities in the bedroom, generally your co-worker is not going to reveal to you that he tied up his wife the other night. Or his wife spanked him last night.

Essentially, what occurs is that everyone thinks everyone else is vanilla in the bedroom. I know that if you polled all my friends, none would even come close to guessing what I like and dislike in the bedroom.

Which just goes to show that there should be no judging what other people like to do in the bedroom. As long as those two consenting adults are happy together, it works for them, then those people should actually be applauded, not ridiculed!

I'm not even sure why having a lifestyle or view that is not the "norm" is considered deviant. More specifically, I'm confused as to why WLM is considered deviant or odd.

The personality spectrum for males is wide, from extremely masculine to extremely feminine and everywhere in between. The same for females. So when two individuals develop a relationship, is it really that difficult to believe and/or understand that they will have their own unique interaction? An interaction that, for them, makes them happy?

This concept dovetails into the "gradual" concept I posted about before. I was wondering why most people who discuss WLM state that when introducing it to the wife, it must be dealt with caution and trepidation, as if the idea is deviant. To me, expressing WLM needs and desires to your wife should be no different than her expressing whatever needs and desires she wants to you. It's not very realistic, though, I realize.

My issue is to slowly introduce the concept to her on such a gradual basis, that, at least between us, it becomes normal in her eyes, as opposed to any type of deviant thing. Instead of sitting her down and explaining that I want a full WLM, that I want her to take control of my orgasms and put me in a chastity device 24/7, that I want her to put forth a series of chores I have to do, etc., I've taken to just offering things to her.

If I'm feeling submissive, I'll let her know that I would like to do something for her, or that I'd like to serve her. I'll communicate to her that if she wants something done, like a massage or a pedicure, I'll be very happy to do it. I'll let her know that if she would like to order me to do anything that night, she's free to do so. It's not ideal, and not how I want it to be ultimately, but my hope is that more and more that I do those things, the more and more she gets used to it, so that eventually, we keep growing into a more outwardly WLM.

Gradual

My decision to move slowly, gradually and less "in your face" about adopting a more WLM has been reaping rewards, however slight they may be.

Instead of bombarding my wife with discussions about a WLM, or Femdom sexual activities, I've started just to slowly try to incorporate WLM ideals into the marriage on a "normal", day-to-day basis. An example is the pedicure I gave to her. When that was offered to her, I did not explicitly mention WLM or Femdom, or me being submissive. Instead, it was offered as "I'd like to do this for you."

I have continued to offer to do things for her, but again, without any explicit or overt mention of WLM. Parenthetically, she wouldn't even know what WLM stands for, as I've never discussed that with her, though I have used the terms Femdom, submissive, dom, etc.

By doing this, she's come to the understanding, I think, that she can order me to do anything, and I'd gladly do it. Of course, I've let her know that, but actually realizing that I'm not kidding is a different story. Since trying this tactic, and making it more and more of a normal thing, I do believe she is accepting an embracing it.

She's been a little under the weather recently - nothing major. She's still working and not requiring any special treatment. While it's been getting better, she has some lingering issues she can't seem to shake. Today, we were emailing each other about planning events in the summer and, in the process, I inquired how she was feeling today and then said "if I can do anything, let me know." Now, this is a normal exchange between a husband and wife. One is sick, the other offers to help. Absolutely nothing WLM about that.

However, in response, she said that it sucked she wasn't as much fun lately because of the sickness, and then said "I'll make it up to you ... or let you make it up to me!"

Maybe I'm just in a good mood and reading too much into it, but I don't think that's something she would have sent before. Bringing it up on her own, thinking about it on her own, is new. Feeling comfortable enough to bring it up during a vanilla conversation is new. And it makes me believe that she has been enjoying the things I've been doing for her to the point where she wants more. All good things in my book.

The Relationship

Susan's Pet brought up a slew of interesting points in his comment on the "Future" post (http://shes-a-wonderful-wife.blogspot.com/2010/02/future.html). I am going to address them because they were thought provoking, and worthy of a full post.

1) Susan's Pet wrote: "I must guess that you have not been married for many years, and still see the world through rosy-colored glasses." I took the term "rosy-colored glasses" to mean that I am unrealistically expecting the best of all possible results. I have to say that is not true. In no way do I ever expect that she'll be the perfect embodiment of a Dominant or that we'll end up living in a perfect Femdom relationship from my point of view. I don't think that any type of marriage is like that.

On the other hand, I do feel optimistic that as the concepts are introduced and dealt with on a more frequent basis, that we can develop a relationship that incorporates significant Femdom aspects, that will be appealing to us both. As mentioned before, we have engaged in Femdom and she has liked to participate. So, I do think that it will be incorporated.

2) Susan's Pet wrote: "It is unlikely that your wife will see your needs the way you see them, even if you stay married for decades. We all have our needs, and it is unlikely that yours and hers will coincide perfectly." I would agree with this, but again, I don't think that's possible in almost any marriage. It would be remarkable if that ever occurred.

Dan Savage (http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/SavageLove?oid=3489193) recently addressed a woman who sought advice regarding her husband's desire to have anal sex with her. His response, I thought, was spot on. He wrote: "I think we should all be—as I've written about a hundred thousand times—good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently like to remind married people—particularly, married people who value monogamy—that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their spouses' sexual fulfillment. That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes. While it would be wonderful if every couple's sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian! So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone."

Married couples are almost always not going to have perfectly synced libidos, likes and dislikes etc. On the other hand, if my wife likes something, even if it doesn't excite me like it does her, I'm going to do it and try to keep doing it for her because she likes it. Expecting that you can have an intelligent conversation with your wife about doing something sexually different and having her be game in trying it is not far fetched. That's the way it should be. If it's a "hard limit" for her, of course it's not going to be done. And she's been willing to do certain things, but not others.

Susan's Pet is definitely correct, because at this stage in her life, I do not expect her to all of a sudden become extremely kinky, just like it would be unlikely if I all of a sudden became very vanilla.

Getting to the middle, however, I think is something we are actually moving towards.

3) Susan's Pet wrote: "However, that does not mean the end of all. Try to put her needs before yours, for example, '... I explained that while she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me...' has to do with your needs, not hers."

I already do put her needs before mine. He was correct that in the way the sentence was written, it sounds more about my needs than hers. Even without an outwardly identified and adopted WLM or Femdom, we virtually lead that type in the bedroom anyway. Whenever we make love, the focus is already on her. My orgasms are almost secondary. 90% of the time, we are in the cowgirl position because that's what she likes best. She is multi orgasmic, so she usually has two or three orgasms to my one.

My point in writing the sentence regarding "she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me..." was actually more about her than about me. When having discussions about this lifestyle, or sex in general, her response has always been that she doesn't want sex as frequently as I do. She has a tendency shut down after the kids are in bed, to focus on de-stressing and, consequently, we do not spend time together because I'm gone at work all day. In trying to increase our interaction, I tried to impress upon her that any little interaction is better than nothing. So while I understand and respect that she does not want to have sex every night, I only suggested that we do something else. I just suggested other ways in which to handle the situation. Ignoring your spouse is not healthy. Acknowledging the other, even if it is to simply say "not tonight", is much better.

After a long weekend, she was very tired last night. I ended up watching a movie upstairs, while she watched the Oscars down stairs. We didn't interact at all, but I was respecting her desire to be left alone. Today, completely unprovoked by me, she explained herself about last night and then said that we should do something fun tonight. My response was asking if she wanted any service tonight, like a massage, manicure, anything she needed me to do, and she responded that she really wanted a pedicure.

I've been very happy all day long since that exchange. Happy that she acknowledged last night, happy that she suggested we do something fun, happy that she responded enthusiastically to my query about serving her and happy because of the anticipation of doing all of that for her. I immediately began brainstorming on what to do for her in addition to just painting her toes. I'm sure she just thinks that she'll receive new nail polish, but I'm going to do the whole nine yards for her, with a robe, foot soak, foot scrub, foot massage, drinks for her and some strawberries and cream. It's going to be a great evening!

4) Susan's Pet wrote: "Find out what turns her on, and work on that while getting a kick out of serving her like that. It may not work, but what do you have to lose? Being selfish in the way of needing to serve someone is all right. Just don't be selfish in expecting her to serve you. Unless you are a dominant, it is the wrong emotion."

That is the trick. I am trying to do that for her. It is a long process. In our domestic life, I already do alot for the household and her. Dishes, cleaning, kids, fixing things etc. She is an over achiever, high energy type anyway, so getting her to relax and be pampered is difficult. She feels guilty if I'm doing house work and she's relaxing. I've explained that she deserves to relax, deserves to be happy that that it does make me happy to do these things for her. Still, her nature is to be moving around, not relaxing.

And having her take the next step, however, in an active dominant position is different than just me doing things to please her. It's a slight differentiation. I do like to do things for her and she enjoys them. Having her overtly acknowledge her power, or acknowledge my surrender to her power takes it to a different level that is difficult to achieve.

My mission is to please her. And while I am not demanding that she "please me" in any certain way, I do believe that the Dominant is under a requirement to make sure the sub is happy as well. How that is accomplished is up to her, of course. We are in a relationship, and I know she loves me, so she does want me to be happy too.

Future Part 2

I read many blogs and other information on Femdom and WLM. I'm not referring to pure "porn." I'm referring to sites that discuss the issue of Femdom/WLM. When reading these, it is clear that, in the vast majority of cases, when the husband is the one to bring the issue of Femdom/WLM to the wife, it takes a long time for the wife to fully embrace and engage. Many report that it took over two years for them to fully be open, embrace and engage in the lifestyle.

She has known since before we were married about my predilection towards Femdom. And, as I've mentioned before, we had dabbled in it many times, but never ever on any sustained basis. So, when I brought up the Game back in October to her, it didn't come as a shock to her. Some of the specifics of the game were shocking to her, but the whole concept was not out of the blue. Based on that, I felt I had a little bit of a head start.

Knowing her as I do, I was under no delusion that she would embrace everything about it immediately and fully. I thought, even at the beginning, was that it would be a long process.

What I have realized recently is that our current issues have nothing to do with WLM, her interest or lack of interest, but simply everything to do with our relationship in general. And that means both of us being too busy, stresses due to children and finances, getting older, working out etc.

The light bulb sorta went on last night when, as we were in bed going to sleep, we were discussing just day to day life, what she had done that day, what I had done, family etc., and it was a very nice talk. In essence, catching up. At some point, we discussed the lack of intimate activity recently, and it was not accusatory between either of us. It was just a recognition of where we were. But within that discussion, we also talked briefly about the Game, and Femdom in general, and she stated again that she really did enjoy it.

I was very surprised and happy, however, when she actually stated that what she did enjoy about it the most was that we were intimate more frequently, we talked more and she did enjoy the attention. That was music to my ears.

At All Times stated "I think I have proved to Jane that this is not just sexual, it’s not just a game, and that I am not seeking to change our relationship into something seedy, but is based upon our love and devotion for each other as a couple." That sentiment is exactly what I am seeking. Our discussion last night leads me to believe that she at least recognizes that this is my true intention. That it is not something for her to do so I can get my own rocks off.

Subtly, too, I enjoyed the idea that the discussion was perceived as "normal." There was a communication about the subject without any apprehension, nervousness, disgust or anything like that.

Many people have been kind enough to read my blog and leave comments, which I greatly appreciate, and have provided quality advice. One such piece of advice has been that it is a long process and to let her grow into the idea at her pace. Sometimes it is difficult to do so, but the discussion last night shows how the advice is correct.

Of course, now I just need to find time to be with her!