Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Topping from the Bottom

In my "Effort" post a while back, I expressed the frustration with her seeming lack of desire to put forth any effort to "take matters into her own hand" so to speak, despite expressing enjoyment of the various WLM activities we engaged in. She definitely enjoyed the pedicures, service, etc., and enjoyed the tease & denial when in the moment.

That's not to say that she is actually telling me one thing, but feeling another. I know her well enough to know that if she did not enjoy them in the first place, she would not do them at all.

What's really happening is that she does not think about kink, or sex, or even WLM type things. So, even if she were interested in sex, she would never just put on simple lingerie and say "let's go" or anything like that. She claims that she just "doesn't think that way."

Part of that is she's never been like that. Ever. Now, the issue is compounded by the fact that we have kids and we both have stressful careers. For me, though, when I need to de-stress, I read other WLM/FLR blogs, think about fun things to do with her, think of ways to make her happy, etc. On a day to day basis, this is not something that she does. She's running around, juggling a lot of balls in the air, and then by the time I get home, just wants to get away and forget about everything. (For those of you old enough to remember, think of the "Calgon, take me away" commercials. Or even those Toyota commercials where the mom stays in the mini van.)

I read a post in another blog regarding WLM in which the wife seemed similar to mine by her inability and/or lack of desire to come up with rules or things that the sub needed to do for her. Instead, her decision was to require HIM to come up with the list, present it to her at the beginning of the week, and then subject to her changes and approval, it was up to him to complete the tasks.

I know that should I succeed in further developing this lifestyle, it is that type of action that will be necessary. And I'd be perfectly happy with that.


submanhub said...

join the club.

My wife is a great organiser. She organises everyone except me. Then she is too tired to get into sex in any meaningful way.

She is competent, skillful yet very little sex drive.

subservient-husband said...

Ms. Rika in her book Uniquly Rika spells this all out. Wonderful book. written to the vanilla. ten bucks on amazon...

Another One said...

SH - Thank you for the suggestion. I have definitely looked at that book on Amazon, and have read the posts from your site regarding the book.

I previously purchased books like Elise Sutton and Mistress Lorelei and never even bothered giving them to my wife, since I knew that those books would not resonate with her. Most books I have read on the subject have been disappointing.

I will definitely consider it now, though, since I have not heard any negative reviews yet.

In looking at Amazon on this book, I saw this one: "At Her Feet: Powering Your Femdom Relationship" - has anyone read this?

linewriter said...

Just keep chipping away.

Anonymous said...

Most women are not wired that way. Frustrating for us submissive guys. My wife loves all of the attention, but her mind doesn't think as a true dominant. And when you read these sites, that's the way it seems to be with our wives. So I continue every day with being submissive to her, she loves it, and I wait for the once or twice a week that she will T & D me. Sure we would love to have our wives dressed in black leather holding and using a whip on us, but that is seldom the case. So we inch ahead little by little, but at least we are going ahead, not backwards in WLM.

Another One said...

Anonymous - That is very very correct, at least in my situation. It's funny because I've repeatedly told her that the whole leather/boots/chains etc., is not what this is about, yet whenever we discuss it, that is her default thought.

Others have recently mentioned this, but the thing that confuses me is the lack of her ever asking (let alone demanding) service, such as vacuuming, painting her toes or whatever. It's that I've told her I love to do those things, and I know she enjoys receiving them, but when she does not ask (or demand) them, it makes me believe she's only doing it for me, not for her.

Anonymous said...

A common problem to most if not all developing WLM's, you just have to keep at it and take enjoyment from the little things as things develop.

It just takes a very long time to establish routines that allow you to express and enjoy your submission and for your wife to become so expectant that you will feel that she is demanding your servitude

Another One said...

Thanks AAT - I know from reading your blog that things have been progressing very well for you and that's great news.

I'll keep plugging away and hope to develop it more and more.

Anonymous said...

My wife is also, while enjoying our FLR, not adding much energy to the system by giving me commands or punishments or playing with my head to induce subspace. At first I practically had to run in front of her in a way to get to chores before she just did them herself. Even though the FLR was fully acknowledged at that point it still felt sort of like stealth submission. That situation has gotten a lot better after some time and communication.

Not sure how hard I should try to move her to "the next level." I know that's topping from the bottom thinking, but some TFTB seems to often be required to initiate a FLR in the first place.

There is a really, really great essay on the she-makes-the-rules forums called "She says help me, he says make me". It very clearly and sanely explains a lot of the dynamics behind why it's so important to us subs to have some outright demands rather than "pretty please" all the time. I may try to convince my wife to read it if we continue to be stuck in a rut on this aspect.