Friday, March 5, 2010

The Relationship

Susan's Pet brought up a slew of interesting points in his comment on the "Future" post ( I am going to address them because they were thought provoking, and worthy of a full post.

1) Susan's Pet wrote: "I must guess that you have not been married for many years, and still see the world through rosy-colored glasses." I took the term "rosy-colored glasses" to mean that I am unrealistically expecting the best of all possible results. I have to say that is not true. In no way do I ever expect that she'll be the perfect embodiment of a Dominant or that we'll end up living in a perfect Femdom relationship from my point of view. I don't think that any type of marriage is like that.

On the other hand, I do feel optimistic that as the concepts are introduced and dealt with on a more frequent basis, that we can develop a relationship that incorporates significant Femdom aspects, that will be appealing to us both. As mentioned before, we have engaged in Femdom and she has liked to participate. So, I do think that it will be incorporated.

2) Susan's Pet wrote: "It is unlikely that your wife will see your needs the way you see them, even if you stay married for decades. We all have our needs, and it is unlikely that yours and hers will coincide perfectly." I would agree with this, but again, I don't think that's possible in almost any marriage. It would be remarkable if that ever occurred.

Dan Savage ( recently addressed a woman who sought advice regarding her husband's desire to have anal sex with her. His response, I thought, was spot on. He wrote: "I think we should all be—as I've written about a hundred thousand times—good (in bed), giving (of pleasure, of indulgences), and game (for very nearly anything), aka GGG. And I frequently like to remind married people—particularly, married people who value monogamy—that they willingly assumed sole responsibility for their spouses' sexual fulfillment. That said, NEA, we are each entitled to our likes and dislikes. While it would be wonderful if every couple's sex life consisted entirely of acts that both partners found equally thrilling—so egalitarian! So fairzees!—a fulfilling sex life is too important, particularly for monogamous couples, to trust in coincidence alone."

Married couples are almost always not going to have perfectly synced libidos, likes and dislikes etc. On the other hand, if my wife likes something, even if it doesn't excite me like it does her, I'm going to do it and try to keep doing it for her because she likes it. Expecting that you can have an intelligent conversation with your wife about doing something sexually different and having her be game in trying it is not far fetched. That's the way it should be. If it's a "hard limit" for her, of course it's not going to be done. And she's been willing to do certain things, but not others.

Susan's Pet is definitely correct, because at this stage in her life, I do not expect her to all of a sudden become extremely kinky, just like it would be unlikely if I all of a sudden became very vanilla.

Getting to the middle, however, I think is something we are actually moving towards.

3) Susan's Pet wrote: "However, that does not mean the end of all. Try to put her needs before yours, for example, '... I explained that while she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me...' has to do with your needs, not hers."

I already do put her needs before mine. He was correct that in the way the sentence was written, it sounds more about my needs than hers. Even without an outwardly identified and adopted WLM or Femdom, we virtually lead that type in the bedroom anyway. Whenever we make love, the focus is already on her. My orgasms are almost secondary. 90% of the time, we are in the cowgirl position because that's what she likes best. She is multi orgasmic, so she usually has two or three orgasms to my one.

My point in writing the sentence regarding "she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me..." was actually more about her than about me. When having discussions about this lifestyle, or sex in general, her response has always been that she doesn't want sex as frequently as I do. She has a tendency shut down after the kids are in bed, to focus on de-stressing and, consequently, we do not spend time together because I'm gone at work all day. In trying to increase our interaction, I tried to impress upon her that any little interaction is better than nothing. So while I understand and respect that she does not want to have sex every night, I only suggested that we do something else. I just suggested other ways in which to handle the situation. Ignoring your spouse is not healthy. Acknowledging the other, even if it is to simply say "not tonight", is much better.

After a long weekend, she was very tired last night. I ended up watching a movie upstairs, while she watched the Oscars down stairs. We didn't interact at all, but I was respecting her desire to be left alone. Today, completely unprovoked by me, she explained herself about last night and then said that we should do something fun tonight. My response was asking if she wanted any service tonight, like a massage, manicure, anything she needed me to do, and she responded that she really wanted a pedicure.

I've been very happy all day long since that exchange. Happy that she acknowledged last night, happy that she suggested we do something fun, happy that she responded enthusiastically to my query about serving her and happy because of the anticipation of doing all of that for her. I immediately began brainstorming on what to do for her in addition to just painting her toes. I'm sure she just thinks that she'll receive new nail polish, but I'm going to do the whole nine yards for her, with a robe, foot soak, foot scrub, foot massage, drinks for her and some strawberries and cream. It's going to be a great evening!

4) Susan's Pet wrote: "Find out what turns her on, and work on that while getting a kick out of serving her like that. It may not work, but what do you have to lose? Being selfish in the way of needing to serve someone is all right. Just don't be selfish in expecting her to serve you. Unless you are a dominant, it is the wrong emotion."

That is the trick. I am trying to do that for her. It is a long process. In our domestic life, I already do alot for the household and her. Dishes, cleaning, kids, fixing things etc. She is an over achiever, high energy type anyway, so getting her to relax and be pampered is difficult. She feels guilty if I'm doing house work and she's relaxing. I've explained that she deserves to relax, deserves to be happy that that it does make me happy to do these things for her. Still, her nature is to be moving around, not relaxing.

And having her take the next step, however, in an active dominant position is different than just me doing things to please her. It's a slight differentiation. I do like to do things for her and she enjoys them. Having her overtly acknowledge her power, or acknowledge my surrender to her power takes it to a different level that is difficult to achieve.

My mission is to please her. And while I am not demanding that she "please me" in any certain way, I do believe that the Dominant is under a requirement to make sure the sub is happy as well. How that is accomplished is up to her, of course. We are in a relationship, and I know she loves me, so she does want me to be happy too.

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