Thursday, May 6, 2010

Formality

I have had some people ask me if I have ever approached my wife with a formal request to adopt of WLM or FLR. I have not.

I introduced "The Game" in October, which was the first formal request for anything overtly Femdom or more hardcore kink. At the time it was introduced, it was not designed to surreptitiously introduce a WLM into the relationship. It was purely a kink/sex game. That Game was fun, for both of us, and I think it was an important first step.

As many know, introducing the vanilla wife to the kink before the other aspects of WLM is usually not recommended. I think the difference for me and our relationship was that she always knew of my kink, but not necessarily of the "submissive" streak. Sure, the kink included BDSM, but we've done both. There were many times in the past that I did many things to her (tied her up, blindfold, food, ice, toys, teasing etc.). In a way, the kink was not a surprise to her.

Now, the Game wasn't necessarily some part of a master plan to introduce a WLM to her. We hadn't engaged in any kink in a long time and I was inspired to create that Game.

Since the conclusion, however, I have made the gradual effort to introduce WLM to her, to no apparent, broad based success. I've confessed my submissive desires to her, we've engaged in my things that are considered WLM, and I've volunteered to, and done, many acts of service to her that is detailed in previous posts. She has enjoyed all of this, but yet has never made any effort to take it any further.

In fact, I firmly believe that if I never brought up my serving her, pampering her, or anything like that, she would never bring it up again. Same thing with the kink aspect. If I never brought out any toys, or cuffs, she would never do it on her own.

The question then has been - why have you not asked her specifically to adopt a WLM or trying a WLM "boot camp" or something.

The short answer to that question is: because I don't think she's at a point where she would be receptive to that suggestion. I have my doubts that she'll ever be ready or willing to engage in it, but regardless, I just think that her reaction right now would be one of the following:

a. To be weirded out by the formality, uncomfortable with it and afraid that it would require significant effort to create domestic and sexual scenarios, all of which she would not know what to do; or
b. To engage in it as another "game", but not really have her heart in it to adopt it as a lifestyle change.

This may be just too much analysis and trepidation on my part. I have struggled with how to properly and effectively communicate my thoughts to her so as to avoid those fears, but haven't figured it out yet.

Should I suggest the idea, and attempt to incorporate the idea, too soon, I fear it would ruin the idea for the foreseeable future.

So, that's the explanation as to why I haven't done it yet. I continue to contemplate how to approach her.

5 comments:

At all Times said...

I sympathise completley, as any attempt to approach Jane with anything like a formal request to "turn" our relationship into a WLM would, I am conviced, be rejected, spoiling any chance that it may just happen naturally.

The only problem with this approach is how to introduce some of the more "kninky" aspects without scaring Jane.

LoveWife said...

Well allow me to be the test case for the other alternative, boot camp, etc. One of your comments rang so true for me in my situation, you said:

“In fact, I firmly believe that if I never brought up my serving her, pampering her, or anything like that, she would never bring it up again.”

Not unlike you, if I didn't approach my wife on this or bring it up, it would likely die a quiet death. That being said, that was my motivation to put together a post boot camp survey for feedback. I completed mine and gave it to her three days ago, but nothing yet from her, however she will be away this weekend and took the laptop with her so I remain hopeful but I still don’t know what her decision will be. I will post the survey questions on my blog if you are interested. I find that she still isn't comfortable being served and is reluctant to ask things of me, which probably like you is frustrating and confusing, especially after I have explained how much of a turn-on it is for me..

Hopefully by early next week I will be able to tell you if my approach worked or not. I worry that some women just are not comfortable with being in charge, being served and one of them might very well be my wife?

Hang in there as I am too and keep plugging away. Look at it this way, Jane hasn’t asked you to stop the extra things you are doing for her.

At all Times said...

When you say "some" women just are not comfortable, I would say "most". The longer that I have been trying to establish mine as a WLM, some where close to what I would consider to be one, I have come to accpet and realise that "serving" your wife is not going to happen, at least not in the way that you would like. Sure you can do a lot for them, but it is unrealistic to expect your wife, or indeed your relationship to become a mistress/servant relationship. Any such move would require your wife to redically change her attitude towards you, and would have to enjoy taking charge so much that she was comforatble with the whole concept.

For most this is just not going to happen. The feelings that maybe achieved in the bedroom, or on occassion, can not be replicated in every day life.

You do make a good point, Jane hasn't asked me to stop, but is that because she enjoys or wants me to continue, or because she feels that I would be unhappy if she asked me to stop.

Another One said...

What's interesting about my wife is that she's naturally a take charge person. She's highly educated, has been successful in her career, and has no hesitation in voicing her opinion.

On the other hand, she has zero kink of her own, no fantasies and no driving sexual fetishes. That's not to say she doesn't enjoy sex. She absolutely does.

As mentioned in these comments, the trick is have a change in the relationship, which does not have to be an extreme shift. "It is unrealistic to expect your wife, or indeed your relationship to become a mistress/servant relationship." But, developing a more defined WLM, in which she is in charge and exercises that knowingly and, at least, somewhat frequently, is what I'd be hoping for.

Now, I still have this belief that whenever I bring up the subject of being submissive, she has the very negative initial reaction that I'll be some sniviling little "yes mistress" guy who wants her to call me a worm or something.

This weekend, though, without ever bringing up any type of WLM in a long time, she naturally did/said things that are WLM. During dinner, she just blurted out, "you know, I think I'm going to have your Dad paint my toe-nails tonight. I really need a new color."

I was completely shocked that she would just so casually bring this up and that she brought it up without me ever mentioning her toe-nails or anything. I'm sure it's not a shock to people who read this that when she said it, I was excited and happy.

Before dinner, she wanted to make a specific dish that she always makes. She went to the store, bought the ingredients, and was making it, while I was upstairs with one of the kids. I thought nothing of it. She, playfully I might add, yelled while making dinner "I don't know why I'm making dinner on mother's day!"

So on my journey, it's a fine line to encourage her to do this more, to encourage a formal adoption of the WLM, but also to not be overly encouraging! If I were to send her an email today about how much I enjoyed her comments and why, I don't believe she would receive it well. I want her to know, however, that those things are good and she should do them more!

It is weekends like this that do make me hopeful that we are slowly moving towards a more defined WLM.

Mistress Kate said...

I agree that you should introduce her to the female dominance lifestyle slowly. If you come on too strong she might be put off forever. I think if you keep introducing her to the sort of pleasures she could have by making you pamper her and cater to her every whim, she will slowly come around to the ideas of femdom without even realizing it.

After reading your earlier post on giving your wife a massage and pleasuring her afterward, I believe that that is your best technique to convert her. Maybe if you asked her if she would like you to do it again on another night, you could also start to jokingly hint to her by saying "your wish is my command". Try to make a fun game out of something submissive that you do for her, like massages, and take it from there.

When I was discovering female domination it was a long process where I gradually took to this new lifestyle, which is completely different to everything I was used to. I am sure your wife would also, after all who wouldn't love to be pampered, pleasured and in control?

Good Luck!

Mistress Kate