Thursday, December 1, 2011

I screwed up

We were recently having dinner with friends and I playfully made some comments about my wife to everyone, which were funny and well received. Unbeknownst to me, however, she bristled at it, thinking that I was being a little to pointed and personal. In no way did I mean my comments to be taken by anyone in that manner, let alone her taking it in that manner.

Once we got home, she brought the subject up, explaining why she did not appreciate what I had said. And this is where I screwed up. I defended myself, telling her that the comments were not negative to her, that I did not mean them to be negative, everyone thought the comments were funny, and, in essence, that she should not have taken the comments in that manner.

There are many problems with what I did. The first thing I should have realized was that she was expressing to me how SHE felt about the comments, which is the most important thing. She did not like the comments. They made her uncomfortable and she did not appreciate them. My initial reaction clearly showed to her that my first inclination was NOT her feelings, which is of course, a poor showing on my part.

Regardless of how I meant the comments, I should have first apologized. Trying to explain to her why I made the comments, explain my actions etc., was o.k. to do, but the apology should have come first.

I'm also kicking myself about my reaction because it is not indicative of how I do want our relationship to move forward. If I had handled the situation the proper way, we could have had a discussion several days after the incident, wherein I could not only explain verbally how I would like the relationship to move forward, but it could have also served as an illustration.

I could have sat down with her and explained that in the future I will be more respectful to her in public and much more cognizant of how my comments can be perceived. I could have explained that I recognized my error and immediately apologized.

Assuming I had done it correctly the first time, and then we discussed the issue like I stated, she could have reflected on the incident, having a more concrete example of how she should be treated all the time. And how I should be reacting to her, what is expected and what is not tolerated.

Instead, when I continue to try to bring up concepts of her being more "dominant," that I want a WLM, she can possibly think back to the night as it actually happened and think "what the hell is he talking about. That night didn't really show me that wants this. He must be just trying to get his kinky side met and doesn't really care about this other stuff."

Now, don't get me wrong - I did properly apologize the next day. But the force and effect is not the same.

I'm kicking myself for my mistake, but I have learned. Since that date I have made a better effort.


Anonymous said...

I hope your wife has forgiven you.

vs-boy said...

We all make mistakes.

Someone said (sorry, don't remember who, and it may even have been you)that "three steps forward and two backwards is still one step further than you were"

Good luck in making ammends and going forward.

junior said...

I've been in that situation before, so I feel for you. It is a struggle between your natural instinct to defend yourself and your want to be submissive and supportive. Just make sure you learn from the mistake and it helps you in the future.

Anonymous said...

you commit a mistake u learn from it. i have been in this situation before. but i dont do it now. i never defend myself now. u too will learn because u will never be able to forget what happened. that is a good thing.

never forget ur mistakes and always learn from them. carry on bro there is a long way to go.

Susan's Pet said...

Some submissive men have a lot of practice at being humiliated and enjoying it. I have had my moments of humiliation, and I did not like it. I fear it, and it drives my social behavior to avoid it. Somewhat different, in a private scenario with my love, I crave it, and will enjoy it. Not so when I know that I have done wrong. A true measure of my service and devotion is to understand how she would perceive my action, and admit to her point of view. Regardless of how I felt or what I meant by my ill-conceived action, if it did her emotional harm, I would be guilty, and would be compelled to atone. As long as she admits that I am forgiven after I do what it takes to serve the sentence for the crime, and I do it, I am happy.