We were recently having dinner with friends and I playfully made some comments about my wife to everyone, which were funny and well received. Unbeknownst to me, however, she bristled at it, thinking that I was being a little to pointed and personal. In no way did I mean my comments to be taken by anyone in that manner, let alone her taking it in that manner.
Once we got home, she brought the subject up, explaining why she did not appreciate what I had said. And this is where I screwed up. I defended myself, telling her that the comments were not negative to her, that I did not mean them to be negative, everyone thought the comments were funny, and, in essence, that she should not have taken the comments in that manner.
There are many problems with what I did. The first thing I should have realized was that she was expressing to me how SHE felt about the comments, which is the most important thing. She did not like the comments. They made her uncomfortable and she did not appreciate them. My initial reaction clearly showed to her that my first inclination was NOT her feelings, which is of course, a poor showing on my part.
Regardless of how I meant the comments, I should have first apologized. Trying to explain to her why I made the comments, explain my actions etc., was o.k. to do, but the apology should have come first.
I'm also kicking myself about my reaction because it is not indicative of how I do want our relationship to move forward. If I had handled the situation the proper way, we could have had a discussion several days after the incident, wherein I could not only explain verbally how I would like the relationship to move forward, but it could have also served as an illustration.
I could have sat down with her and explained that in the future I will be more respectful to her in public and much more cognizant of how my comments can be perceived. I could have explained that I recognized my error and immediately apologized.
Assuming I had done it correctly the first time, and then we discussed the issue like I stated, she could have reflected on the incident, having a more concrete example of how she should be treated all the time. And how I should be reacting to her, what is expected and what is not tolerated.
Instead, when I continue to try to bring up concepts of her being more "dominant," that I want a WLM, she can possibly think back to the night as it actually happened and think "what the hell is he talking about. That night didn't really show me that wants this. He must be just trying to get his kinky side met and doesn't really care about this other stuff."
Now, don't get me wrong - I did properly apologize the next day. But the force and effect is not the same.
I'm kicking myself for my mistake, but I have learned. Since that date I have made a better effort.