Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Wife Led Marriage

Last night, my wife had to go do something that was unpleasant, but something she had to do.  (I'm being intentionally vague so as to protect identities.)  Concurrently, she was on track to get her period today, so yesterday she had bad cramps and did not feel well.

Hearing that she was suffering from cramps, on the way home I picked up fresh fruit and dark chocolate and prepared it while she was out.  This morning, before I left for work, I made the coffee, made a fruit plate and arranged several pieces of chocolate on a plate and put it by her bedside.  She was very pleased this morning!

After thanking me through email, I wrote back "you're welcome.  I love doing those things for you.  Glad it made you happy.  Still looking for additional things to do for you."

Her response was decidedly WLM in my humble opinion.  Her response (edited to remove the non-related stuff) was: "...As for thinking of other things to do for me...  I really want for you to be able to quit your job and do something else you like.  I love that you spend time thinking of me and doing things for me but I'd rather you spend the time at this point focusing on getting a new job.  Not forever :-) just for a month or two.  My happiness will increase exponentially by seeing you walk out the door and go to a job that makes you happy, so that you can spend more time with me and the family."

If there is no humiliation, demand, or order, how can it be a WLM?  I have heard the terms Wife Led Marriage, Loving Female Authority or Female Led Relationship before and they all mean the same thing to me.  Reading her answer carefully, it is a combination of all three of those short hand monikers for our relationship.

She's expressing the gratitude, the love, but also telling me what to do to make her happy.  It all comes down to "what does she want?"  What does she want?  She wants the chocolate, she wants the toes painted, she wants those things, but she wants the other things too and is telling me it's going to make her happy.  So what am I going to do?  I'm not going to stop doing the nails, flowers or any of those things, but I'm also going to focus on the new job angle too.

What is still "funny" to me is that she does not realize that this is a WLM.  She doesn't focus on it at all.  She just does.  She is just who she is.  And I love her for it.

There have been a lot of posts that have been non-sexual.  It's not to say that we aren't having sex.  We are. There has been nothing kinky, no tease and denial, no chastity belts etc.  None of those things that I've tried to introduce in the past have stuck and I've stopped suggesting them.  Again, what's funny is that twice in the last month, after getting into bed and me bringing her off either one or two times with my tongue and/or fingers, she's said "now I'm too tired to reciprocate" and we've just gone to bed with me not having an orgasm.

In both of those times, I'm 100% convinced she's not doing it on purpose, with a conscious decision to deny me an orgasm.  She just felt too tired and wanted to go to bed.  So what is that?  It's a WLM!!!!!!  It's exactly how she wants to be!  She wanted to go to bed, so she did.  Again, I was perfectly happy to have that happen.

Do I crave more?  Yes.  Would I have wished for the chastity belt?  Would I have wished for more playfulness?  More teasing?  Absolutely.   Am I upset or sad that it did not happen?  Nope.


Ayesha said...

Lovely. A bit at the soft side, but lovely.

I wonder what you would be writing if you ever would fall into the hands of a femdom like me though (grin). Reading what the two of you have, I'm sure this will never happen, nor will you seek same :)

I'm-Hers said...

I do hope you find employment that makes you happy. It is where you spend the majority of your working life so doing something you enjoy and can be proud of is far more important to your overall health than working at a company that you dislike what you're asked to do.

As for your wife and you, I think you both have things pretty well figured out. You mentioned that you haven't written much about sex in recent posts. I found that quite profound since much of life is not about sex. It's about life and all that we do outside of sex. Sex is that spice, that accent that makes life so worthwhile though (in my opinion).
Take care.

Another One said...

Ayesha - thanks for the kind words. You're correct that I'm 100% committed to her and would never leave, but I'd be lying if I haven't thought about being with someone who fully embraces the more hardcore aspects. I can only imagine what I'd be writing being with someone like you. It would be interesting because I love pushing envelope and having my envelope pushed.

I'm-Hers - truer words couldn't have been said about the job. I'm at a cross-roads, trying to get into a new career, so it's more difficult to transition. Meanwhile, I'm biding my time until the right situation presents itself. It does take a lot of work.

As for the sex - the reason I took a break from this blog was because I did find I was focusing wayyyyyyyy too much on the sex. It was not good for me, for her or for us. Or for moving our relationship to a more profound WLM as I wished. My perspective has changed and we are interacting better. I'm still hopeful that we can continue to move forward and she can understand more and more what a WLM is about.

Sadie Smith said...

This is such a wonderfully insightful post. You truly do understand the dynamics of a WLM. I was part of such a marriage for many years before I lost my submissive husband to illness. Embrace each of those moments you two share - be it in the bedroom, or at the kitchen table. You and your wife are so fortunate to have one another.

Another One said...

Thank you very much Sadie. I am sorry for your loss. You are right - I am much more appreciative of what I have now than wanting more and more. I do still want more, but my perspective and enjoyment of what we have is greater.

Dave said...

I'm struggling a bit, is she truly acting as WLM or was she just being self centered and neglectful of you? It wouldn't have taken much energy from her to give you a few words like "I know you're really horny now, but I've decided you're going to wait. I want you to think about what I might have in store for you tomorrow!" That would have at least given you some mental stimulation to focus on rather than her just rolling over and going to sleep.

Another One said...

Dave - a good question, which has many answers and thoughts.

I do not believe it's an either/or as you position it with your first question. I do not believe if you answer in the negative (as to whether she is acting in a WLM) on the first part, that it means she is being self centered. In a way, I believe it's both and neither at the same time.

If you were to ask her whether we are in a Wife Led Marriage she would have absolutely no clue what you were talking about. I've never mentioned the term to her in this manner, nor have I ever approached her and asked to be in a WLM.

On the other hand, because we've been married for many many years and our relationship has grown throughout the years, she knows I have submissive feelings and desires. She's played at chastity and tease and denial games. I've expressed to her how I like her to be in charge, that I'm submissive to her and her only and I do things that reinforce that.

Does she walk around in fetish gear? No. Does she order me around? Does she order me to do all of the housework? No to all of those questions.

But, if she asks me to do something, I do it for it her. It's how we work.

I did not take her rolling over and going to sleep as being self centered or neglectful. You're correct that she could have said what you wrote, which would have been awesome. But I do not believe she was being self centered or neglectful when she did not.

Dave said...

Well ok, that's a very positive way for you to look at it. I'm just picturing if a man did that (i.e. got his orgasm and then rolled over without respect or concern or even mention of his wife's pleasure) he would be rightly disparaged for that (by anyone who knew what happened). I look at WLM or FLR (which I'm not in currently) as a two way street where the wife has a very specific responsibility to her husband, as he does to her. He submits to her will by allowing her to dominate him, and she acknowledges his needs by giving him the attention/stimulation/activity that comes with that (even is the activity is denial, its acknowledged that this is part of the environment). I'd hate for anyone to be in a neglectful relationship and spin it in their mind as some type of subtle dominance activity (not saying that's you, just saying in general).

Ayesha said...

" allowing her to dominate him". Hahahaha.

Dave said...

Yep, allowing her to dominate him. Believe it or not, this is a free country and any man that submits to a woman is allowing this to happen. I think some women have been in the scene too long and are starting to believe the fantasy that they have some mythical control over men. Everything a woman does to a man is because he allows it, we just pretend its otherwise as part of the game.

Ayesha said...

"....we just pretend its otherwise....." Exactly! That's what I'm trying to get across to the vanilla d/s crowd for years already. But would you believe the morons over there are denying this over and over again, calling me an ignorant bitch, a liar even? Hmmm, must be part of their game as well. Anyway, I applaud your confession.

".....the fantasy that they have some mythical control over men." Yeah, women and their fantasies. Pfftttt! Would you believe there are zillions of them having fantasies linked to handsome and powerful white knights in armor, not only coming to their rescue and defending them from all the evil in the world, but who also have an indelible urge to make romantic and passionate love to them, and never ever would forget Valentine’s Day? Silly broads! The only thing they get, are bragging bullies, boring misogynists, sweet talking rapists, beer drinking slops, and docile doormats. The latter constantly harassing their spouses to become something these poor women don’t want to become at all, and pretending they want their ladies to force them into doing laundry, run unnecessary errands, and to control their orgasms. Yuck. What a life! Depressing!

But would you believe there are a few of us who indeed are controlling their men? Not in a mythical way eh? Simply blunt control, 24/7/365. Yep, that’s what I’m talking about. No silly gift from a frustrated man to get into topping from the bottom, no mutual agreed upon arrangement, no pretense, no nothing. Just raw femdom . Believe it or not, it does exist.

Um, on a side note: "....this is a free country....". Ahem, talking about the land of the free and the home of the brave, perhaps? Great fantasy that. Take for instance the World Press Freedom Index dated January 2013. Ranking there as number 32, they allow countries like Ghana (30), Uruguay (27), Namibia (19), Jamaica (13), and Estonia (11) to stand better. Yep, some freedom in that "free country" of yours. But then again, freedom is relative, no? Would you believe there are men (and women) who can only feel free when enslaved by me? Nah, you wouldn’t Dave. You could only pretend you would.