Monday, October 17, 2011

Going in Opposite Directions?

The url for this blog is "she's a wonderful wife." And it's true - she is. That url refers to her as a person, though. A whole person, not just anything sexual.

It's interesting - we were forced to be apart for about a month. September was pretty much a lost month for us. Without giving away too much, let's just say that the entire month of September, she was on her own, taking care of the kids. Because my job requires that from time to time, I'm supremely grateful and happy that she's such a strong woman that she can handle everything that goes along with those responsibilities. To be able to leave and know everything will be fine is great peace of mind.

It also forced us to "take a break" from anything sexual, let alone kinky. And this break has me re-evaluating the WLM, submission, and even tease & denial, where that is going for both of us, where it is going for her and for me.

She is not "wired" in the kink this way. This is more about her personality overall, rather than anything kinky. Actually, it's both. She's not kinky at heart, but also, the way in which she goes about her day does not lend itself to "planning" anything kinky. Let's put it this way: Kink can be a lot of work! If someone is naturally inclined for that, they usually spend lots of time thinking about it and/or getting ideas from reading websites. She is never going to do either of those things. And since she is not naturally inclined, the thought process of introducing something "kinky" never ever crosses her mind.

I used to think that she considered the options, but just chose not do it. But now I'm more convinced that the thought never crosses her mind, unless I've put it there. I have not brought up denial in a while and the last couple of times that we've engaged in love, there has not been any effort on her part to deny.

This development doesn't bother me in the least, though, because I know that gains have been made. Moving into a 24/7 WLM was never something I thought would happen - especially not when the kids were still around. I was also well aware that no matter how far she got on the kinkier side, she would never match me.

But the strides and gains are palpable. She has gotten kinkier. She is more willing to engage in things. The gains won't be lost either. I'd rather her engage in T&D 24/7/365, which will not happen, but I also believe that there will be times in the future it is done by her on her own. I don't believe she'll revert to complete nothing.

So I'll keep pushing and see where it goes. The journey does, indeed, continue.


Ayesha said...

Prose like this explains why i sometimes still go out and defend recreational femdom, FLR's (WLM’s as u call them), or any other manifestation of vanilla d/s, while mostly i crack down on it, laugh at it, and make fun of it.

Seems u belong to the very few who can write about their life, d/s desires, inner feelings, and how they cope with their actual situation, without the usual whining, complaining, and playing victim. Or r coming up with make believe stories which have nothing to do with their daily activities or "lifestyle"

Many so called submissive men constantly r trying to convince their audience, their only goal is to serve, respect, and pleasure their spouse, partner, or whoever is willing to "dominate" them, while actually they're nothing more than a bunch of pathetic liars, trying to manipulate her in doing things which mostly have nothing to do with her personality, wishes and desires. And although they will deny this from here to eternity, to them she's only a tool.

U seem to not belong to these sad people. Instead u come across like someone who truly respects and loves his wife, and honestly is taking her interests, wishes, and desires at heart, maybe putting them sometimes even first.

I only know u from reading this post, so i could be wrong, but to me u r less vanilla than all those who claim to be genuine slaves, subs, dommes, switches, or whatever "kink" they say they're into. It’s a good thing to know people like u exist.

Anonymous said...

I am probably not the best to advise, but if you truly want to develop a WLM, and not just a relationship that suits you and your submissive fantasies, then you have got to give your wife what she wants and needs from the relationship. And I don’t just mean giving in terms of what you think that you are doing for her, like chores etc.

I can’t quite tell from your writings, what you want and how far are you prepared to compromise to achieve it.

Ayesha said...

@ AT. "......what she wants and needs....."? Even if that would mean u don't get what u want?

Another One said...

Ayesha and AAT - First and foremost, I love my wife. We have children and the entire family is the most important focus for both of us.

There is no easy, black and white way in which people live their lives. It's much more grey than most want to believe.

I do not want for her to do anything she does not enjoy. On the other hand, I KNOW that she enjoys many of the things I have introduced. These are not things that she would have ever done on her own.

So, I will introduce things and try explore things with her. The ultimate goal would be for her to discover within herself a desire and affinity for the lifestyle, whatever that may be to her.

Even in the most basic terms of a relationship, it has to work for both people. We have to be on the same page.

I have a post titled "Be Careful What You Wish For" that explores this idea - that I know my wife. I know that I will never ever come home one random day to find her fucking a stranger in our bed and having her order me to put on my cage, claim that I'll never have an orgasm again and she'll be cuckolding me from here on out. That is not her. That's so extremely far away from her, that I'm doubtful that much more tame scenarios than that will not occur.

I want her to have a happy, highly enjoyable life and sexual life. So we go along, I suggest things (WLM concepts, doing her nails, chores, chastity cages) whatever I think she'll be receptive to and we'll go from there.

I did buy a massage table for her and gave her a great massage. She's confessed to me that she was pretty freaked out by me getting a massage table for her.

But that may have been going too fast too soon. I think eventually, once she becomes accustomed to the idea (I'm a big believer of "it's only kinky the first time") she enjoys it.

She did enjoy the chastity belt - something I actually thought she would be more freaked out about. She has repeatedly said that she has no desire to ever use a strap-on. Since that's a limit for her, I'm more than happy to take it off the table.

It's a long journey - but one I'm very happy to take with her, at her pace. (Even though I may still screw up sometimes. No one is perfect.)

Anonymous said...

Just to add my two cents, my situation is similar in many ways.

There are two of you in the relationship, the challenge with shared experiences is much like picking out a movie to watch when one person wants a comedy and the other wants a mystery. How do you honor your partner while honoring yourself. (but with the added taboos of sex, kink (and there is the monogamy issue, unless you have an open relationship you can't fulfill your sexual desires without your partner whereas you could see a movie with a friend)).

My wife is a bit of a workaholic, and I don't want to push her to do anything that she's really averse to but.... She doesn't have a kink back ground at all and as a result when we met, her idea of spicing things up was to leave a light on. She also has been willing to get a little kinkier over time but it's always been me trying to add things.

So, I've asked her to spend a little time rummaging through the literotica site, just to see if anything catches her eye or sparks some arousal. Just about every kink is represented there one way or another. So far she's just struck by how bad the writing is but I'm encouraging her to look past that and focus on the content.

Hopefully she'll find a few things that resonate with her, get her thinking, fantasizing and bringing some new ideas into our sex life. If i'm the one that is always suggesting new things will she feel some added pressure to go along and when she's not into it, i'm the one that gets shot down. Neither of which I enjoy.

Hopefully we can expand our sexual horizons in a way that increases both of our pleasure. Maybe she'll have an interest that doesn't do much for me on the face of it but her pleasure is such a turn on for me that it becomes satisfying for that reason alone.

My apologies if this is a bit rambling, my hope was to support your efforts at being true to yourself while being true to your wife.

It's a journey best taken together. Better living through kinky spouses

Anonymous said...

Very good post, if familiar here, too. People vary.. and I like the part about how she HAS gotten kinkier, and the gains won't be lost. Many good points above. Just lots for me to consider here, too, thanks. (btw, I should try anon's literotica suggestion again... tried it once, but it didn't go too far...hmmm)

Another One said...

Anon - I hear exactly what you're saying. The thing I would emphasize is that I started this whole push to adding more kink back in 2009. Kink was sometimes present before, but it was extremely sporadic on my part in efforting it to occur.

The point I'm trying to make is that in 2009 I decided to take a concerted effort to introduce the ideas/concepts and knew that it would be a long process. People do not change over night. The more they do something, become more comfortable, more familiar, the more inclined they are to do it and explore. If you have a definitive idea - i.e., chastity, start slowely with the concept of T&D etc. Read and you'll an idea of what not to do.

Just realize that it is a long process.

As SometimesSpanked mentioned - she does like T&D now. It was odd, foreign and confusing to her before. Now, she enjoys it. I would want her to do it all the time, but she chooses when to do it. And when she does, it's on her terms, when she wants it and I'm very happy about that.

As for the Literotica suggestion - that's very funny to me because the spelling, gammar, poor writing definitely detracts! It is a good suggestion to see what floats her boat, but I would caution that it takes a lot of time to wade through the poor or un-interesting things to find the ones she likes. If you are "proficient" at literotica, maybe you could talk to her about what she might like and then help her find it.