Before reading my post, please do yourself a favor and read Susan's Pet's post on Tease & Denial. Not only is it a good article, but what I will provide in this post dovetails off of that post.
While I agree with most of that article, I did want to expand on a concept I've been kicking around for while, and it's one he sort of brings up.
In generally stating that unless the wife, after being introduced to the concept of tease and denial actually gets off on it, the wife will generally not participate. Some will not participate at all, while others will engage in it, at best, sporadically. Quoting from Susan's Pet: "One might say that even in a vanilla relationship a woman will do things for her partner simply because she loves him and knows that he needs it. Yes she will do that sometimes, but not often enough."
And that concept is something that has always confused me. And maybe it confuses me because I want to please my partner, but are people really that selfish that they can't derive pleasure from giving their life partner what they want?
I love performing cunnilingus. Why? I would imagine that the fact she really enjoys it is why I enjoy it so much. (Or maybe that's circular thinking? Does she enjoy it that much because I'm good at it and I enjoy doing it?)
Anyway, my point is, I like to make my wife happy. Many people reading this may say "well, that's because you're submissive", but my response then is: "are you telling me that vanilla couples don't want to make each other happy?" That's my source of confusion. How is it that people get married, but know that their significant other loves thing "X", but they don't do it or give "X" to their significant other?!?!?! I don't get it. I truly don't understand that concept.
It has always made me laugh whenever I read articles in the newspaper, see headlines in relationship sites, or Cosmo or something about women bitching that their men are not "romantic". These women clearly love the full blown romance thing, yet the slug they married doesn't ever do anything like that for them. I'm always flabbergasted that the guy has a girl who so desires something, but the guy won't ever do it.
Just seems to me that people who are married should be in love to the point where doing things for your significant other is what makes you happy! Ever since we've been married, I've done things for her that I only did because I knew she liked it.
And even habits that I had that she did not like I changed. That's been a two way street. For whatever reason, dishes in the sink overnight flipped her out. I was generally the type who left them till I felt like doing them. Well, after marriage and I found out how much she hated it, I changed my behavior to wash the dishes as they were used. Conversely, I hated caps left off toothpaste. She never put it back on. She changed her behavior.
Those are kind of silly examples, but as I partially responded to Susan's Pet post on his site, if my wife came to me and said "you know, doing full body massages really really turns me on", well, I'd go out and buy a professional massage table, take a class and go off on her.
This is not absolute. Everyone has "limits." If she came to me and wanted to do scat, or adult baby stuff, I could never get into it. However, the list is rather small.
Regardless, even things that I don't particularly have a desire for, my point is simply that if I knew she had a strong desire for them, I would then have a strong desire for it because I knew how much she liked it.
Please don't take this post to mean that I'm believing that every person should do things for any random person. I can't stand "high maintenance" girls, so it's not like I could love dealing and engaging in those antics. But then again, I would have never married a high maintenance girl.
My point is that if you marry someone, isn't that person you're married to the person you want to make happy? From what I see and read, however, is that I am not the norm. Most people are not like that. Most people are completely unwilling to engage in something that they do not personally like for the benefit of the significant other and, even if they are, they don't particularly end up enjoying it. A guy may realize his wife wants the big romance thing, so he'll do it for her, but he doesn't enjoy doing it. I don't understand that thinking.