Going into this whole attempt to introduce my wife to Femdom, I knew several things that were stacked against me.
1. I am much more open minded.
2. I am much more adventerous.
3. I have had a lifetime of experimentation and fantasies.
I have previously tried different things to "spice things up" in the bedroom. I once dropped her off at a sex shop (an upscale one, in a nice area - not your stereotypical seedy XXX shop) and sent her in there to buy whatever she wanted. I've suggested, and then, videotaped us. I have been the one to always suggest any type of bondage. It was all very basic - just tying her to the bed etc.
So I shouldn't be too surprised when she has not taken to any of this, unless it is at my urging. I really don't wish to keep being the one to bring it up and while many would think that is because I don't want to "top from the bottom" or some other similar reason it's because I've realized that what I'm looking for doesn't exist when I'm always the one to introduce Femdom.
What is that? What doesn't exist, you ask?
It's actually two things, but very closely connected. It's the extreme closeness felt with someone when she's the dom and I'm the sub and the psychological effect it has on me, and hopefully her.
I know that she's trying these things at my behest, but that, despite her prostestations to the contrary, I don't believe she truly enjoys them. I'll put it this way: she always says she's enjoying herself and likes being in control. Her action completely betray those statements. If she truly enjoyed being in control, why would she never ever take control, unless I initiate the control.
Since I made dinner for her in early January, I have not initiated any sexual activity or any Femdom activities. I have, on the other hand, been a very loving and caring husband. It isn't as if I've been ignoring her, not talking to her, not doing my share around the house, not making dinner, not taking care of the kids or anything like that. Just haven't initiated anything. And yet, during that same time, she has not initiated anything remotely sexual or Femdom.
Back on New Years, we did have a dicussion about my being submissive. Not a complete 100% disclosure, but a discussion about submissiveness and how it would be between us. She stated that the whole submissive thing is fine with her. She had reservations about a lot of things, including a feeling of "guilt." She felt "guilty" about inflicting punishment, or pain, or denying orgasms, because it seemed to her like it's wrong and mean.
Obviously, I explained that that is the point! It's not mean, because I enjoy it. We discussed it more about being a Femdom. I tried explaining that in many ways, we already live in a WLM! She already does many WLM things, such as planning parties without even asking me first, being in charge of the finances, asking me to get her drinks etc. I simply suggested that she expand on that.
I explained that while she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me. Meaning, a small comment here or there. Pat on the cock and tell me it's too bad it can't cum etc. Flirt with me. Anything.
And yet, that's the problem. Nothing. So, if she really did like it, really did enjoy it, she would initiate it. But even if she did, it is completely lacking in passion. I don't ever want to feel as if I'm dragging her kicking and screaming into anything. My impression is that she's just doing it because it's something I want, and I ask, so she does it.
If that were the case, then some ask "what's wrong with that." I do not want to make this a one sided thing. I truly thought that she would embrace it more and that it would bring us closer as a couple. And there you have it - I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place.
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6 comments:
This turned out to be a much longer comment than intended, so have had to split it over two comment boxes.
Don’t think for one moment that you are alone or that there is anything wrong with your relationship. I think what you describe is what it must be like for many couples, not just when husbands want a WLM, but in relationships in general.
As humans, we are like all other animals, men (the male) is programmed to want sex all if not most of the time. In the wild, accompanied by a lot of fighting to establish who is the strongest and best male for the job, this guarantees that whenever females come into season there is an abundant supply of willing males to procreate with her, to produce more of the species. As soon as the male had done his bit, the female will lose interest in him, and even forcibly reject him. I am sure that we (humans) may well have been like that hundreds of thousands of years ago. Fast-forward to modern day times, and lot has changed, save for one thing. The male of the species is still constantly looking to have and enjoys sex. The difference now though is that many of us choose to have one partner. The majority of women, however, still may only be interested in sex for having babies, and occasionally for their own pleasure, and then more often than not, maybe only to satisfy their husbands urge. Some sweeping statements, but I bet not far of the mark.
What you are experiencing and what you “need” from your wife is like all of us striving to turn ours in a “WLM”, acknowledgment, and a sense, a feeling that your wife not only enjoys her position of dominance, but that she actively wants to encourage your submission because she wants it to.
If you think about this logically, the only way that your wife is going to “give you” what you want, is if you are giving her what she wants. Obviously, this relies on very much give and take, plus some sort of understanding about what it is that you both need.
This only really started to happen for us after maybe two and a half years of trying, experimenting, and lots of high and lows. In that time, I have lowered my expectations significantly, and come to accept that Jane does not particularly enjoy femdom bedroom games, or anywhere else for that matter. More importantly though, I have discovered what it is that Jane does enjoy, what she is willingly to accept, and what encourages her actively to use her dominance, in ways that I can enjoy. This may of course not be for you, if you want something different. What’s clear to me now though is that you can’t just expect your wife to enjoy something because you think they should. Women are sexually motivated completely differently to men, and will not necessarily see having a submissive husband, doing all her housework, no matter how attentive, as being desirable or enjoyable.
What you need to do, and you have done some of this already, is to let your wife know what you are feeling and what motivates you to want to submit to her. If as you have intimated in the past, this is purely femdom sex because you enjoy it, then things may never improve. If on the other hand, you can demonstrate to your wife that what you could enjoy together is a relationship based upon your desire to please her, to meet her needs, and show her just how much you are excited and turned on by her taking control, using her feminine sexuality to encourage your submission. In order for this to work, however, she will need to feel that you are sincere, and it may take sometime for WLM type routines and rituals to be established. If you have been following my blog, I don’t know whether you would consider mine to be a WLM or not, so these comments may not be relevant to you. The important thing, of course, is what it feels like for me, and how I sense or feel Jane is responding, and the same will be true for you.
I am just wondering, at the very lowest level, what would you like your relationship to be like. Once you have given this some thought, then think of what she would like and how you could encourage your wife to do, or treat you in that way. But remember, she will need to be motivated into wanting to do these things, and overtime if she is enjoying your attention, your commitment, she will learn to accept and even enjoy herself. The big question is, can you?
What became very clear to me over the last few years is that a full on 24/7 WLM in the strongest sense of the word, is neither practical, especially with kids around, nor is it likely to be desirable or maintainable for the long term.
Just some random thoughts and ideas that I thought you might like to consider.
AAT - Thank you for you well thought out and expressed comment. You make some great points, and I truly do appreciate your input.
I can't address everything you wrote, but I couldn't agree more with comment about a 24/7 WLM. Even if we both wanted that, there is no way we could enjoy it because of all of the other things in our lives.
At a minimum, in the non-sexual sense, I'm looking for more interaction, playfullness, enjoying each other.
In a sexual sense, I'm looking for more initiative from her side. But the thing that I really am looking for is something you said perfectly: "using her feminine sexuality to encourage [my] submission."
And that's exactly what I'm trying to accomplish by, as you said (again) perfectly: "demonstrate to your wife that what you could enjoy together is a relationship based upon your desire to please her, to meet her needs, and show her just how much you are excited and turned on by her taking control, using her feminine sexuality to encourage your submission."
I have been following your blog and am comforted to know that there are highs and lows and that, even in your situation with a more advanced WLM, there are still highs and lows. Your blog, however, does give me hope!
My journey continues.
Hello. I have read some of your blog and it struck a chord with me so I thought I would comment.
I was married for 25 years and tried unsuccessfully to get my wife to accept my submission or a female-led relationship. Intimacy dropped off and we led parallel lives, with me doing a lot of fantasizing and being rather unhappy and feeling like a failure (even though I had attempted to communicate my desires in the most reasonable and rational ways). In our 25th year we divorced, and after about two years I met someone with whom I connected deeply and intimately almost from day one (well, on our first date we made love, so it was immediate).
I can say that finding someone I love very much and who accepts and embraces my submission has made a world of difference in my life. IN six short months together, with her knowing absolutely nothing about femdom or FLR, we have evolved to the point of having a private collaring ceremony next week. I am completely at ease with my position as her submissive and could not be happier.
I feel for you, as I have experienced the doldrums of not being on the same wavelength with someone I loved. Divorce was painful but it was also very freeing. Hopefully you can work out a solution with your wife and meet each other's needs. The reality of living as a submissive is 100 times more powerful and meaningful than the strongest fantasies I ever had.
I wish you both well.
AO
When I said, “using her feminine sexuality to encourage my submission”, I did so more from an ideal, rather than reflecting what for most of us submissive men is still a dream. I think the thing that we all have to recognise is that our wives won’t necessarily want to use their sexuality to encourage “submission”. They might, however, do so because they enjoy the attention it brings, and also because they want to feel desired, to know that they can still excite and arouse their husbands. If as a result of this desire they can have an obedient, attentive, and willing partner who wants to “serve" them in a wider sense, then they maybe encouraged themselves to see the sense of such a relationship.
This will only work though if they recognise and understand some of the sorts of things that will arouse and encourage you. As for creating a relationship where your wife shows more initiative, well you have to give her some more reasons to want to initiate things. Her own sexual satisfaction may not be enough in itself, especially if like many women, she does not have a particularly high sex drive or is adventurous. Just wanting her to tie you up, or spank you, or treat you harshly, are very unlikely to do that. What she needs, therefore, is another reason, maybe she will enjoy seeing the effect that she has on you in certain situations, but you need to show her just how much she means to you, arouses you, and that she has this very strong hold over you.
When I look back now about a few years and read some of the types of things I was saying to Jane, asking her to do, I can see why with hindsight, she was not responding. Since then two significant things have happened. Firstly, I have lowered my expectations, and have found that I can be just as much aroused by more simple scenarios, ones that are far more sustainable and acceptable to Jane. Secondly, I think I have proved to Jane that this is not just sexual, it’s not just a game, and that I am not seeking to change our relationship into something seedy, but is based upon our love and devotion for each other as a couple.
What wife, wouldn’t want a devoted attentive, and yes even obedient husband, one that can share his life devoted to her pleasure, and making himself available to satisfy and meet her needs.
If you can get this message across and mean it, then you are half way there, you may still not have cracked it, but it will go along way to helping your wife start meeting some of your needs.
I must guess that you have not been married for many years, and still see the world through rosy-colored glasses.
It is unlikely that your wife will see your needs the way you see them, even if you stay married for decades. We all have our needs, and it is unlikely that yours and hers will coincide perfectly.
However, that does not mean the end of all. Try to put her needs before yours, for example, "... I explained that while she doesn't have to have sex every night, she can always just tease me..." has to do with your needs, not hers.
Find out what turns her on, and work on that while getting a kick out of serving her like that. It may not work, but what do you have to lose? Being selfish in the way of needing to serve someone is all right. Just don't be selfish in expecting her to serve you. Unless you are a dominant, it is the wrong emotion.
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