Monday, March 5, 2012

Quest Still Goes On, Part 2

This is partly in response to MMS' and AO's comments to my first "Quest Goes On" post, but it deserves its own post because there is also an update.

I'll have to disagree with MMS that I'm pushing a FLR that is completely defined by me. Nor is explaining what is happening whining. I wasn't petulant, or complaining. I love her and want her to be happy.

The real question is, if you have a wife that would never come to the concept of a FLR by herself, but you desire it, how do you introduce her to the concept and get it going. This is not a new question - I've read about in many other people's much better blogs than mine.

Talking, as mentioned by AO is one way, but it's not like you can sit down one day, have a frank discussion about it, and then the next day BOOM, you're in a FLR and you are both happy. I've said all along that she would not come to the concept of a FLR on her own, so exposing it to her, and seeing if there is anything she likes, is not pushing. Instead, introducing her to things is a good way for her to find things she does like. There are a million things I'd love for her to do, but I'm not sitting there demanding that she do any of them.

And, I'd argue that saying to her either of the following things is equally bad:

"I want a FLR. Here is a list of things I want you to do from now on." or
"I want a FLR. Please figure out what you want me to do, what you're going to do to me and tell me."

You're either telling her what to do, or requiring her to do all of the work, without any clue what any of it means.

Besides, we are NOT in a FLR, nor have I ever even fully asked for one. She doesn't even know what the acronym FLR stands for, let alone the concept behind it. Meaning, she's not making her own FLR because she doesn't even know what that means or entails, on her terms or anyone else's.

On the other hand, she HAS started to realize more and more about who we are as a couple and understanding what makes us both happy. While we are not in an acknowledged FLR, we are in an acknowledged loving relationship, in which we both want each other to be happy. And, in connection with that, she’s doing things more and more for herself, but I think also for me.
One day last month when we were sitting at dinner, she said to my daughter "as soon as we're done with dinner, Dad will give us both pedicures." I loved her saying that because she had never even broached the subject with me before saying it. She never asked if I wanted to do that.

But more importantly, it showed that SHE wanted that. She wanted the pedicure. It showed that she enjoys receiving them from me and was willing to state that it was being done. It showed that she understood now, after I introduced it to her and talking about it to her, that it’s something she wants and all she had to do was ask/demand it. Previously, she would have never even asked for a pedicure, let alone just demanding that it be done, had I never introduced it to her in the first place and then kept telling her that "any time, anywhere" she wanted a pedicure, all she had to do is ask or tell me.

Coupled with that, we have had more discussions about me doing things for her. She has definitely noticed that I have been doing much more for her on my own and thoroughly appreciates it. I work a lot. I'm at work for a long time. I used to do what I could around the house, but in the last year or two, I have made a much more concerted effort to take the extra step and do more. That includes everything from cleaning things up here and there, to doing major cleaning, to fixing things around the house I know she wants done etc. It also includes being more in tune with her feelings - making sure to try to help on anything that is going on that is bothering her, take on more tasks if she is having problems and other things.

She recently went on a trip with several other moms (that I’m friends with too). I planned the whole thing for her, and even while they were out there, she would text me questions when they weren’t sure what to do next, or to get recommendations on dinner or whatever and I helped them out tremendously. When she came back, she stated that all of her friends were very impressed with how much I helped them. They even talked about how their husbands never notice anything about how they dress and yet they knew how often I noticed those things, even on them. I could tell that when she was telling me this, she was happy with me and happy that her friends were “jealous” of her.

Some time after that trip on night, we started to make love, when I began to try to take off her underwear, and she said “no, no, tonight I want it to be about you.” Before I could say anything, she actually stopped, looked at me and said “I know you’re going to say that you get more pleasure in giving me pleasure, but tonight I’m going to bring you off.” (That’s a paraphrase – she said it more eloquently!) Anyway, her stating that shows that she is understanding of the situation and is still doing what she wants! She knew that she could sit back and let me bring her to an orgasm, but that wasn’t what she wanted to do. She wanted to bring me off.

Another example of how I think we are in a really good place is a story about laundry. I was at work and she was having a stressful day with her work and the kids. Lots of stuff happening and then she had to go out as soon as I got home for one of her volunteer positions. I purposefully texted her “please let me know if there is anything that you want/need me to do while you’re gone.” Her response was “put away the laundry. Grrrrrr!” Not only did I put the laundry away, but also cleaned up the entire house. She was very happy the next day.

I'm sure there are people who will read this and tell me that I'm doing it wrong, that I'm not a true sub because I haven't told her to stop doing all chores, that I'm not on an allowance or whatever. But that lifestyle that many other subs is simply never ever going to happen because a) she doesn't want it; and b) it's impossible for me to do it.

All I know is that I’m happy and she’s happy. Are there more things that I would love to do? Absolutely. Would I be happier if we began doing them? I would think so. But I’m very happy to be moving along the way we are.

(This post is long enough. I haven't even gotten to the talk we had where the result is that I'm in a more defined chastity. No, I'm not in a device. But she do something that was wonderful!)

1 comment:

vs-boy said...

I totally get your point and take issue with the position of your commenters. The true key of being submissive is not conforming to a mold set by others, but to be happy while making sure your loved one is even happier.

Some people think that the only submissive is he who completely fulfills their expectations of a submissive and no one else qualifies.

I say, let their expectations burn.

There are as many types of submisives as there are of non-submisives. Why do we have to qualify to belong? Who sets the standards of the Submissive Syndicate? Where does one take the test?

Okay, enough for one comment.

I can't wait to hear about the talk that you and your wife had. It might be an inspiration :)