First off, thanks to all that took the time to comment. I do appreciate your insights and thoughts.
Rene - I understand what you're saying, and I agree that most people are like that. There are many examples where you'll read about the submissive man trying to get the wife to be "dominant" and it doesn't go anywhere because she either is not interested or just does whatever the submissive guy says. Yes, those fail. The intereseting part of that equation that never gets discussed, however, is why it fails.
My thoughts were just that when your life partner comes to you with a desire, shouldn't you be very interested in that? Wouldn't you want to know all about how she feels about it? What turns her on? What her thoughts are? I think that is (or should) be true for any couple.
That's not just limited to anything sexual. It applies to anything about that person. Whatever she's going through, whether it's with work, the kids, life philosophy, I'm supremely interested in discussing that with her because she (and the kids) are the most important people in my life!! I don't necessarily care what my friends wife's thoughts are, just my wife's!
You're right that you can't feel dominated if she refuses to do it. And you're right that if it's too far out of her original personality structure, it'll never work. That's not to mean that previously vanilla wives wouldn't actually enjoy it. So definitely go ahead and ask!
Susan's Pet - A marriage (especially when there are kids involved) is so much deeper than sexual relations, though it is an important aspect. Trying to manage intimate relations, along with life, and then adding "kink" at the urging of one party over the other, does make for a "return to normal" so to speak.
I know that I'm much kinkier than my wife. I know that if I never brought it up to her, we we would never be where we are today. But when I made the decision to try to incorporate this to her, well, it's been a long journey! She was o.k. with the idea, but it took more and more discussions and proding to get anything going. Fast forward a long time and it has gotten to the point where she knows how I feel, accepts it, understands where I'm coming from and, most importantly, now makes the effort to be much more engaging. (A full post on that is coming up.) It's taken a long time to get to that point, but suffice it to say that now, she does things on her own, is much more accepting and receptive of things, and very willing to participate.
I'm Hers - My thing has always been "we are married and in love first" and unless that is a really strong and happy relationship, kink cannot survive. I think that part of our success is that everything comes from a strong relationship and being in love and then we add the kink as a compliment to our life.
AAT - Couldn't agree more. You write: "The only way that this type of relationship is going to work realistically is if the couple can find ways to please and satisfy each others needs and desires, that are both realistic and acceptable to each other." Absolutely!!! And it's something we have actively worked on. The mistake many people make is that they want to incorporate every kink and aspect over night. They want to go from a completley kinkless/vanilla life, to her all of a suddent denying him, putting him in a chastity belt, humiliating in him in public, etc. It has to be a slow transition. The saying "It's only kinky the first time" is funny, but also true. Trying to incorporate one little change first, waiting for that to become the norm, and then doing the next, waiting, then the next and so on is much more effective.
From reading your blog, Jane has certainly changed and evolved from the beginning. It's taken a long time to get where you are, and it's still evolving. That is the same journey I am on with my wife. We are in a different place today than we were two years ago. Do I want us to keep going, having her become more dominant and more in control? Yes. Do I all of a sudden, tomorrow, present her with a contract, listing all the duties and responsibilities I'd do, punishments, etc? No, becuase it's too much change. Maybe years in the future when everything is still going along nicely.
As for the other portion of your comment - I'm not entirely sure that the "wife needs to feel loved" and the "submissive wants to feel controlled, even dominated" are necessarily mutually exclusive. But then again, the devil is in the details, because I can easily see situations in which you are correct.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Sorry for the Delay
Many people in the blogger world that I respect and regularly read their blogs made comments that were interesting, insightful and much appreciated. I will get back to those soon.
One reason for the delay was that sadly, for a while, not everything was "wonderful" on our end. We ended up having a major fight about something completely unrelated to any sexual stuff, but it did make me (and us) more focused on resolving those issues - so everything else kind of went on the back burner. That is life sometimes.
The good thing is that we have talked a lot lately and resolved the things and all is good. It was always going to be good, but we just needed the discussion and for time to take its course.
The other good thing is that during those dicussions, we briefly delved into the orgasm control we are doing. I'm happy to report that she is definitely still on board, is enjoying it, and wanting to keep doing it. That, of course, was a very good thing.
I know that for myself, despite receiving warnings about this, I find it extremely difficult to tamper my desire for full blown entry into the chastity lifestyle by her. I end up thinking about it a lot, much more than she could ever come close to doing. That is part of our personality differences too. I am the type (which is very good for what I do for a living), to completely focus on one thing for a long period of time.
Anyway, despite my knowledge and understanding that she wasn't going to all of a sudden start teasing and denying me on a daily basis, start tying me up, doing research and purchasing chastity devices and the like, I was still hoping for "more." I did want more interaction between us - even if it was just a text here or there. She is on board with the chastity concept.......though there are still "tease" and "denial" things that I would like more of than she has given in the past. But we're working on that explanation of how I feel and then also what she actually wants and enjoys.
Our discussion did center around whether she was truly enjoying the new dynamic and, like I said, she confirmed she did. She admitted that she wanted to spend more time together, but that life gets in the way.
We were both pleased with the understanding. And based on that, with her going away for the weekend (with her girlfriends) coming up, I decided to buy a CB-6000 and am considering approaching her with me using it while she's gone. Our discussion leads me to believe that she would open to the idea. It's something that wouldn't add any additional "burden" so to speak on her.
We shall see.
One reason for the delay was that sadly, for a while, not everything was "wonderful" on our end. We ended up having a major fight about something completely unrelated to any sexual stuff, but it did make me (and us) more focused on resolving those issues - so everything else kind of went on the back burner. That is life sometimes.
The good thing is that we have talked a lot lately and resolved the things and all is good. It was always going to be good, but we just needed the discussion and for time to take its course.
The other good thing is that during those dicussions, we briefly delved into the orgasm control we are doing. I'm happy to report that she is definitely still on board, is enjoying it, and wanting to keep doing it. That, of course, was a very good thing.
I know that for myself, despite receiving warnings about this, I find it extremely difficult to tamper my desire for full blown entry into the chastity lifestyle by her. I end up thinking about it a lot, much more than she could ever come close to doing. That is part of our personality differences too. I am the type (which is very good for what I do for a living), to completely focus on one thing for a long period of time.
Anyway, despite my knowledge and understanding that she wasn't going to all of a sudden start teasing and denying me on a daily basis, start tying me up, doing research and purchasing chastity devices and the like, I was still hoping for "more." I did want more interaction between us - even if it was just a text here or there. She is on board with the chastity concept.......though there are still "tease" and "denial" things that I would like more of than she has given in the past. But we're working on that explanation of how I feel and then also what she actually wants and enjoys.
Our discussion did center around whether she was truly enjoying the new dynamic and, like I said, she confirmed she did. She admitted that she wanted to spend more time together, but that life gets in the way.
We were both pleased with the understanding. And based on that, with her going away for the weekend (with her girlfriends) coming up, I decided to buy a CB-6000 and am considering approaching her with me using it while she's gone. Our discussion leads me to believe that she would open to the idea. It's something that wouldn't add any additional "burden" so to speak on her.
We shall see.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Expanding on Susan's Pet's Tease & Deny Post
Before reading my post, please do yourself a favor and read Susan's Pet's post on Tease & Denial. Not only is it a good article, but what I will provide in this post dovetails off of that post.
http://hersforever.blogspot.com/2011/03/trouble-with-practice-of-tease-and-deny.html
While I agree with most of that article, I did want to expand on a concept I've been kicking around for while, and it's one he sort of brings up.
In generally stating that unless the wife, after being introduced to the concept of tease and denial actually gets off on it, the wife will generally not participate. Some will not participate at all, while others will engage in it, at best, sporadically. Quoting from Susan's Pet: "One might say that even in a vanilla relationship a woman will do things for her partner simply because she loves him and knows that he needs it. Yes she will do that sometimes, but not often enough."
And that concept is something that has always confused me. And maybe it confuses me because I want to please my partner, but are people really that selfish that they can't derive pleasure from giving their life partner what they want?
I love performing cunnilingus. Why? I would imagine that the fact she really enjoys it is why I enjoy it so much. (Or maybe that's circular thinking? Does she enjoy it that much because I'm good at it and I enjoy doing it?)
Anyway, my point is, I like to make my wife happy. Many people reading this may say "well, that's because you're submissive", but my response then is: "are you telling me that vanilla couples don't want to make each other happy?" That's my source of confusion. How is it that people get married, but know that their significant other loves thing "X", but they don't do it or give "X" to their significant other?!?!?! I don't get it. I truly don't understand that concept.
It has always made me laugh whenever I read articles in the newspaper, see headlines in relationship sites, or Cosmo or something about women bitching that their men are not "romantic". These women clearly love the full blown romance thing, yet the slug they married doesn't ever do anything like that for them. I'm always flabbergasted that the guy has a girl who so desires something, but the guy won't ever do it.
Just seems to me that people who are married should be in love to the point where doing things for your significant other is what makes you happy! Ever since we've been married, I've done things for her that I only did because I knew she liked it.
And even habits that I had that she did not like I changed. That's been a two way street. For whatever reason, dishes in the sink overnight flipped her out. I was generally the type who left them till I felt like doing them. Well, after marriage and I found out how much she hated it, I changed my behavior to wash the dishes as they were used. Conversely, I hated caps left off toothpaste. She never put it back on. She changed her behavior.
Those are kind of silly examples, but as I partially responded to Susan's Pet post on his site, if my wife came to me and said "you know, doing full body massages really really turns me on", well, I'd go out and buy a professional massage table, take a class and go off on her.
This is not absolute. Everyone has "limits." If she came to me and wanted to do scat, or adult baby stuff, I could never get into it. However, the list is rather small.
Regardless, even things that I don't particularly have a desire for, my point is simply that if I knew she had a strong desire for them, I would then have a strong desire for it because I knew how much she liked it.
Please don't take this post to mean that I'm believing that every person should do things for any random person. I can't stand "high maintenance" girls, so it's not like I could love dealing and engaging in those antics. But then again, I would have never married a high maintenance girl.
My point is that if you marry someone, isn't that person you're married to the person you want to make happy? From what I see and read, however, is that I am not the norm. Most people are not like that. Most people are completely unwilling to engage in something that they do not personally like for the benefit of the significant other and, even if they are, they don't particularly end up enjoying it. A guy may realize his wife wants the big romance thing, so he'll do it for her, but he doesn't enjoy doing it. I don't understand that thinking.
http://hersforever.blogspot.com/2011/03/trouble-with-practice-of-tease-and-deny.html
While I agree with most of that article, I did want to expand on a concept I've been kicking around for while, and it's one he sort of brings up.
In generally stating that unless the wife, after being introduced to the concept of tease and denial actually gets off on it, the wife will generally not participate. Some will not participate at all, while others will engage in it, at best, sporadically. Quoting from Susan's Pet: "One might say that even in a vanilla relationship a woman will do things for her partner simply because she loves him and knows that he needs it. Yes she will do that sometimes, but not often enough."
And that concept is something that has always confused me. And maybe it confuses me because I want to please my partner, but are people really that selfish that they can't derive pleasure from giving their life partner what they want?
I love performing cunnilingus. Why? I would imagine that the fact she really enjoys it is why I enjoy it so much. (Or maybe that's circular thinking? Does she enjoy it that much because I'm good at it and I enjoy doing it?)
Anyway, my point is, I like to make my wife happy. Many people reading this may say "well, that's because you're submissive", but my response then is: "are you telling me that vanilla couples don't want to make each other happy?" That's my source of confusion. How is it that people get married, but know that their significant other loves thing "X", but they don't do it or give "X" to their significant other?!?!?! I don't get it. I truly don't understand that concept.
It has always made me laugh whenever I read articles in the newspaper, see headlines in relationship sites, or Cosmo or something about women bitching that their men are not "romantic". These women clearly love the full blown romance thing, yet the slug they married doesn't ever do anything like that for them. I'm always flabbergasted that the guy has a girl who so desires something, but the guy won't ever do it.
Just seems to me that people who are married should be in love to the point where doing things for your significant other is what makes you happy! Ever since we've been married, I've done things for her that I only did because I knew she liked it.
And even habits that I had that she did not like I changed. That's been a two way street. For whatever reason, dishes in the sink overnight flipped her out. I was generally the type who left them till I felt like doing them. Well, after marriage and I found out how much she hated it, I changed my behavior to wash the dishes as they were used. Conversely, I hated caps left off toothpaste. She never put it back on. She changed her behavior.
Those are kind of silly examples, but as I partially responded to Susan's Pet post on his site, if my wife came to me and said "you know, doing full body massages really really turns me on", well, I'd go out and buy a professional massage table, take a class and go off on her.
This is not absolute. Everyone has "limits." If she came to me and wanted to do scat, or adult baby stuff, I could never get into it. However, the list is rather small.
Regardless, even things that I don't particularly have a desire for, my point is simply that if I knew she had a strong desire for them, I would then have a strong desire for it because I knew how much she liked it.
Please don't take this post to mean that I'm believing that every person should do things for any random person. I can't stand "high maintenance" girls, so it's not like I could love dealing and engaging in those antics. But then again, I would have never married a high maintenance girl.
My point is that if you marry someone, isn't that person you're married to the person you want to make happy? From what I see and read, however, is that I am not the norm. Most people are not like that. Most people are completely unwilling to engage in something that they do not personally like for the benefit of the significant other and, even if they are, they don't particularly end up enjoying it. A guy may realize his wife wants the big romance thing, so he'll do it for her, but he doesn't enjoy doing it. I don't understand that thinking.
Stress
Just curious about others on this post.
Whenever I get stressed (work, family, whatever), I find that I desire kink more and more. Playing pop psychologist, I would assume it's an escape mechanism. Something to get my mind off the stres. Not sure. I just know that when I get seriously stressed at work, I desire nothing more than to come home to a wife who would be as cruel as possible.
Normally, I'm up for any type of interaction with my wife when I get home. If she's in the mood for romance, cuddling, whatever, I'm all for it. Even when I'm stressed, that's true. And, I normally would welcome any type of kink she was interested in.
It's just that when I'm stressed, my desire for the more "extreme" forms of chastity or WLM or femdom come out.
I don't believe my wife shares that same reaction. I think she's just the opposite. If she's happy, kids were great, she's making lots of money etc., she's much friskier.
I wonder what other people's experience is.
Whenever I get stressed (work, family, whatever), I find that I desire kink more and more. Playing pop psychologist, I would assume it's an escape mechanism. Something to get my mind off the stres. Not sure. I just know that when I get seriously stressed at work, I desire nothing more than to come home to a wife who would be as cruel as possible.
Normally, I'm up for any type of interaction with my wife when I get home. If she's in the mood for romance, cuddling, whatever, I'm all for it. Even when I'm stressed, that's true. And, I normally would welcome any type of kink she was interested in.
It's just that when I'm stressed, my desire for the more "extreme" forms of chastity or WLM or femdom come out.
I don't believe my wife shares that same reaction. I think she's just the opposite. If she's happy, kids were great, she's making lots of money etc., she's much friskier.
I wonder what other people's experience is.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Sadly, nothing new to report
I wish that I could be posting about something new and interesting related to our situation, but right now, there's just nothing "post worthy." Sure, we've been having some fun, but new or advancing the ball.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
They're out there
There is a lot of talk in the Internet Male Chastity community, or WLM/FLR community, about convincing a vanilla wife to participate and that this is usually a failing endeavor.
I make no prediction on whether that is true, or not. Why? Because it's impossible to know, because I do not personally know anyone else who engages in this type of lifestyle. Sure, there are people on the Internet that I read their blogs and sometimes communicate with. But I have never sat down and actually discussed any of this in a face to face conversation. Heck, there's even a very strong section of people who believe that Elise Sutton, one of the very first Internet presence on the Internet to discuss WLM/FLR isn't even a really woman.
Here's the thing - if you were to ask every person that I actually know if they thought I would be involved in Male Chastity, WLM/FLR or anything like that, they'd immediately say no. I'm sure that there are friends of mine who engage in a lifestyle that I have no idea about.
Does that mean it's more common than reported or whatever. Again, I have no idea.
I will say, that when I see pictures like this, it's obvious that there are some real people out there who engage in this behavior and have fun with it.
(Note - this is NOT me or my wife. Pic found on the Internet.)
Now, I personally never ever expect for my wife to ever get anywhere near what I would wish she would get to. I just hope to enjoy whatever steps she does take towards where I hope we go.
I make no prediction on whether that is true, or not. Why? Because it's impossible to know, because I do not personally know anyone else who engages in this type of lifestyle. Sure, there are people on the Internet that I read their blogs and sometimes communicate with. But I have never sat down and actually discussed any of this in a face to face conversation. Heck, there's even a very strong section of people who believe that Elise Sutton, one of the very first Internet presence on the Internet to discuss WLM/FLR isn't even a really woman.
Here's the thing - if you were to ask every person that I actually know if they thought I would be involved in Male Chastity, WLM/FLR or anything like that, they'd immediately say no. I'm sure that there are friends of mine who engage in a lifestyle that I have no idea about.
Does that mean it's more common than reported or whatever. Again, I have no idea.
I will say, that when I see pictures like this, it's obvious that there are some real people out there who engage in this behavior and have fun with it.
(Note - this is NOT me or my wife. Pic found on the Internet.)
Now, I personally never ever expect for my wife to ever get anywhere near what I would wish she would get to. I just hope to enjoy whatever steps she does take towards where I hope we go.
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Couldn't agree more.
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