Everything I've done to this point in terms of developing a WLM has been mostly as little "games" to spice things up. There have been some informal, and some more formal, ways in which it has been implemented, but there has never been any "honey, I want to discuss with you about adopting a WLM" and then going from there. I have never formally opened up with the idea to her on a permanent basis.
While I have not, from my side, approached her, she has also never approached me on any aspect. She has not spontaneously discussed any aspect of WLM, Femdom, or other kink. That's not to say that sometimes during sex, she hasn't done some stuff. She did spontaneously spank me playfully once and there are some other things, but we've never been sitting there, after the kids were in bed, started to discuss any of this on a more permanent basis.
I've come to believe that for it to ever work, it will have to be a very gradual thing - one that will take years, if at all. Meaning, I do not believe if I tried to sit down and explain everything I would want/desire in a WLM, and then do a "boot camp" suggestion like the Around Her Finger people suggest, or take any other steps to implement the WLM immediately, that it would not work. She would be overwhelmed by the sudden change, feel pressured, and would take to the idea kicking and screaming, instead of embracing the idea.
So, realizing that it would have to be a very long, gradual change, my thoughts were to implement only portions of things that would give her control. I figured I could formally introduce distinct things that give her control and let that process run its way through, have her enjoy it, get a feel for it, embrace it and hopefully desire more control in other areas.
I came to the conclusion that I would approach her with complete orgasm control - that she would control all of my orgasms. She could have as many as she wanted and she could allow me to have as many as she wanted. I could not masturbate or have any orgasms unless she specifically granted that permission.
A long time ago, I wrote up a short letter to her to introduce the concept and idea, inviting for more discussion. That letter has been revised many times, but regardless, I never felt the time was right to give it her. I finally gathered the courage to do it.
The plan was to leave it on top of the coffee maker on Friday, a place where I knew she would absolutely see it, because she gets her coffee every morning. As the time drew near, I kept going back and forth on whether I should put it there or not. Finally, I decided to do it. Extremely hesitant and nervous, I did place it on the coffee pot and started to leave. As I was walking towards the door, she was coming downstairs, all dressed in her workout clothes. She is usually asleep when I leave, so I was sorta surprised to see her. She looked a little stressed already.
I asked how her day would be, if she was going to be busy, etc., and she started listing off all of these things she had to do, and I could tell she had a lot on her plate. Walking with her into the kitchen, I surreptitiously pulled the letter off of the coffee pot before she could see what it was. I know she saw me pull paper off, but I also know she had no idea what it was. We kissed goodbye and I went to work. She never mentioned anything about the paper.
It was the right decision. All that letter would have done if she read it that day was to stress her out more. It would not have been received well. I worked all day feeling good about not giving it to her, but also a little bummed that it hadn't happened yet.
Then, Friday night happened. Friday night was great, confusing, interesting and unexpected. We had dinner with another couple, which was fun. I can't say she ended up drunk, but she was definitely feeling the effects of alcohol. I would assume that it played a part in this, but when we got to bed, she wanted to play and play we did. Me on top ended with us both being happy, with completion inside her. Laying next to her afterward, still kissing, I could tell she was still in the "on" mode. Usually, after one, she is willing to call it a night. It's almost like I have to convince her to go for round two. This night, however, was different. As I was caressing her, she was very receptive, giving me clear signals that she wanted more.
Her reaction stirred a reaction in me. The more I caressed and kissed, the more I was very interested in giving her more. The question was "how." As I've discussed below, I'm one of the ones who finds creampies extremely exciting, yet have a difficulty in doing them because immediately after orgasm, the desire immediately goes away. Well, this time, since we were continuing, she was responding, and I could feel how engorged and slick she was, the idea was getting more and more attractive.
It happened and it was phenomenal. I loved it. I know she loved it. But what I don't know if she understood what happened! I would assume she did, but she's never mentioned it. You would think that it was a foregone conclusion that she absolutely knew about, but with her, I'm not so sure. Maybe she just chooses to not think about it. I don't know.
She also made a comment that night that I didn't understand. I can't repeat it, but it was kink related comment that absolutely requires me to find out from her what she was trying to say. I don't know if she even knows what she was trying to say, but the simple fact that she brought it up was positive. Again, it's that slow moving train.
All I know is that I want to repeat that night, I need to find out what she meant by the comment, and I feel emboldened to give that letter. When it gets delivered, again, is still something I want to be careful with.
An Explanation Of A Slightly Different Life
About Me
- Another One
- I'm just a married guy on the West Coast who loves his wife. Having fun with her and you'll see why.
8 comments:
Have you read any of Sarah Jameson's Male Chastity Blog? She and her husband were able to make that first step when he drew the courage to suggest they both sit down and make of list of their most favorite fantasies. His list consisted of one fantasy... check it out.
There is such relationship as a Wife Led Marriage. The problem is that unless she is naturally bent that way, it is not going to happen the way you would prefer, no matter what yo do. On the long run, it will revert to vanilla.
Pity.
GO,
I have read her blog. That method will not work for me and her, because frankly, we've done that many times before and it doesn't really work. I'm not saying that the new method I'm thinking of doing is going to work, but I already know that what worked for them will not work for us.
She has a great blog. It is informative. And before I write what I will write, I want to say that this is not a criticism of her blog in any way and that I do believe her blog is very worthy of my time. I will continue to read her blog.
On the other hand, I suspect that where her blog has now gone was absolutely calculated from day one. The blog was designed from the very beginning as a way to sell the BCWYWF guide.
She's a worthy enough writer, and knowledgeable enough, to be one to write it and sell it. Her content is phenomenal.
SP,
I know what you're saying.
The "fantasy" that is so prevalent that once the wife hears about Femdom or WLM, that she takes it farther than the man wants it is just that "fantasy." I'm well aware that will not occur, or anything close to it.
While it's a generalization, there are two compenents of a WLM: 1) the everyday interaction; and 2) the bedroom.
As for the first, she definitely has WLM tendencies.
As for the second, she's more vanilla than kink, but she's also engages in kink too.
So, will she ever develop kink to the point where it equals mine? Heck no, but that's fine with me. The more she engages in kink, the better. But I won't be sitting there always wanting more and more and more, until she's wearing fetish outfits and I'm building a dungeon in the basement.
Thing is, I'm perfectly happy and in love with her the way she is and we are!
As with ever aspect of my life, I'm continually working to make it better. No matter where I am in my job, I'm always trying to get better and advance. I'm constantly trying to figure out how to be a better parent. Constantly trying to figure out how to help my kids be better in life, with friends, in school, in sports etc.
Same thing with my wife and a WLM.
I took the approach of telling her that i had stopped masturbating as a fact. She said it was up to me and not to do with her.. In doing this it was not wlm but it was a massive step. I had asked for permission to come for years , just as a thing i did, so it was a fairly short time until she just knew it was up to her whether i did or not. A few short converstaions during the act about wanting to but it being up to her and it was sorted. Quite often she plays and then says its not allowed so it has worked. Simple steps no big conversation just doing it made it happen. Oh by the way love it even after weeks !!!!
AO:
I might suggest taking a more direct (albeit, slightly diagonal) approach, like Grey Owl suggested. Women often have very "out there" sexual fantasies but are often too embarrassed to bring them up if they don't think their man would be open about his deepest and darkest fantasies.
I never think a letter or subtle hints like anonymous emails with links to websites are good ideas. Think of it this way, if you wrote a letter explaining what you were wanting and she simply left you a letter saying "no way," how would you feel? The idea is that honesty and open dialogue are the keys to having something like this bringing you closer and building intimacy. Tip-toeing around it will never provide her with an accurate picture of just how seriously you wish to take it nor does it allow for an open dialogue. Chances are almost any approach will surprise (and possibly hurt) her. If you are her true love and the one she believes in you must be prepared to talk about it openly and honestly.
I know you've written in the past that you aren't comfortable with that idea but the longer you put it off, the harder it will end up being and the more blindsided she will feel if/when she finally picks up on your desires.
IMO, there is a way to introduce things from a sexual standpoint that will appeal to her on sexual terms that she enjoys and do a lot more to encourage her to exert dominance in what she wants.
I don't usually post links to things I've written but you might find some ideas that could prove useful somewhere down the line. It seems somewhat applicable, especially since things seem to be rooted in your bedroom interactions. It only seems natural to start there.
http://furcissy.blogspot.com/2010/05/thoughts-on-vanilla-to-ds-conversion.html
Fur - thanks for the suggestions. I did read your link and you have good thoughts on the subject.
The letter was intended to be only a companion to a discussion. It did state that after she read it, I wanted to discuss it with her - I agree with you that just leaving a cold letter is not the best way.
Honestly, it sounds arrogant, but it's not, when I say that she already has two of the three "tag-lines" you suggest:
-Orgasm like never before.
-Feel the intense burning passion of your man's love whenever you want it.
While it's not acknowledged, and if you were to ask her, she probably wouldn't believe it true, but she already has the power to have orgasms whenever she wants. She already has super orgasms. And our lovemaking is already almost exclusively focused on her. Sure, I get mine and oral sex for me is done frequently. But since she's multi-orgasmic, she has 2-3 every time, whereas I'm a single shot.
And whenever mine occur during intercourse, it's completely secondary to hers.
That's why, in a way, I can't really sell it to her to increase anything because she doesn't really want/need that.
For her, I have to appeal to the psychological aspect - the part that you mention that she doesn't necessarily have, which is: -Feel like the sexiest woman on the planet when he's near you.
You stated: "It just makes more sense to me that if she is brimming with self-confidence and sexual power that she is more likely to embrace a man that will take care of the mundane daily tasks." That I agree with, for my situation, absolutely 100%.
She does not brim with sexual power. And while she has tons of self-confidence in everyday life, she does not have it in the bedroom.
So, the question, then, is the best way to bring that out. There's only so much reassurance from me that I can do before it ceases to have an effect. She knows how much I love her, how sexy I think she is already.
AO: Thank you for reading it and giving some feedback.
Based upon what you have said I definitely think starting in the bedroom is probably your safest option. Sexual confidence has a tendency to bleed over in more ways than you could imagine. I think you answered your own question earlier in the post. The "it's not acknowledged and she wouldn't believe it to be true" has me thinking at some point you can probably just look her in the eyes after some sex and be straight-forward with your hopes. Something along the lines of "It makes me so happy when you and I want you to have that whenever you want it. It really turns me on and makes me love you more."
Words instill the idea, actions make her believe it. It can even start as a bedroom game, possibly introduced in a manner that Grey Owl referenced. Some evening when the romance is building you might even say something like "I have a sexual fantasy I wanted to share with you but it makes me feel kind of embarrassed..." I have a feeling she will probably want you to share it with her. You could start with something mild and non-threatening like "I want you to be my sex Queen where you tell me exactly what you want and I'll make it happen for you." She has to get used to going with her impulses about what she wants and a fantasy night in the bedroom is an easy way to start that out.
If she goes along with it and has a great time you can initiate affection (hugs, kisses, etc.) over the next few days calling her your Queen.
Basically, I think the appeal is to get her thinking more selfishly and to keep her feeling that it's okay and attractive for her to do that. Even if she already has the power, having her acknowledge and embrace that power is quite important.
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